Recon 6

Part 32 Kayo: Agony

Agony.
Shame.
Disappointment.
Rage.
I had crushed grown men's chest cavities under my boots before. I felt no guilt. I felt no fear. They chose their fate and I was just the devil collecting their debt when they got too close to the fire.
But this?
This was a disturbance to my cold-hearted norm— something only Anastasia brought out of me.
All I could do was scream. Curse. Bury my first over and over into the drywall and metal.
I had no idea Ana was carrying my own flesh and blood. Something I had yearned for.. for years.
And now it was taken away from me.
I sunk down to the floor, nearly wailing from our loss.
I wasn't even sure if Ana wanted children. I was selfishly thinking about my own needs, not even considering hers.
"Kayo. You have to calm down." Phantom's voice sliced through my thoughts. I sniffed trying to suck my tears back in where they came from.
"How the fuck do you expect me to react? Grin and bear it? Act like a shred of this is in anyway okay?" I snapped. Phantom didn't deserve my attitude but being that he is the reason I wasn't allowed on her rescue mission, he's getting it.
He stayed silent for a moment, looking for the right words to say to not set me off. After all I was a ticking time bomb. The slightest thing would make me explode within seconds.
"Acting like this isn't going to make her better. I'm sure your face is the first thing she'll want to see when she wakes up." He said clenching his jaw.
"And how am I to act? I didn't fucking choose to do this with my life! You know that! I wanted normalcy. I wanted a family. I wanted to give my heart to another!" I sobbed. The tears I had held back were gushing down my face as I stared him down angrily.
The rage, the sadness, and the guilt were becoming overwhelming. My vision started to blur as I clasped my hands behind my head and around my neck.
Phantom knew I never chose this life for myself. I was forced into it. Forced to take lives of evil people who only sought to bring destruction into the world yet I always felt I shared that aspect with all of the kills under my belt. I felt like a monster. Despicable.
I wanted out of the company a long time ago. I confessed to Phantom I wanted to leave but was swiftly reminded of the consequences. Death. You don't get to leave the company. Ever. Precious information and secrets were far more valuable than one of their own wanting to live a normal life after practically being a reaper.
"I know Kayo. I'm well aware. It's unfortunate but you know what would happen if you tried to leave or even went AWOL." He reminded.
"I'm well fucking aware too." I grumbled. My head felt like it was on fire, all of these emotions swimming to get out at once.
"You just got her back Kayo. Don't lose her again. Get in there and remain calm." He sighed extending his hand for me to take.
I hesitantly took it and he pulled me to my feet with a small grunt leaving his mouth. I opened the door to see Jonesy suturing her wounds. He looked up at me and shifted as if he was scared.
"I'm fine. I promise. Is there anything I can do to help?" I huffed even though I really meant what I said.
I have to be the best person I can be, for her.