Where did we go wrong?

Part 29

"You are breaking up with me so you can go back to your beloved Magnus?" James's voice was loud enough that Alec could feel the vibration on his skin. James was a mess, their apartment was a mess, and Alec's mental state was a mess. Alec looked around the apartment he shared with his ex fiancé for 3 years. The broken glasses on the floor, ripped books, and scattered clothes reflected the state of mind of both James and Alec. James didn't take the news very nicely. The slap mark that left a bruise on Alec's cheek was a very good sign to how angry James was. Alec wasn't sure if James's eyes were red from crying or from rage. Alec didn't really feel much regardless. He felt pathetic himself, and he was definitely not going to give into James's emotional blackmails.

"No." Alec turned around to face James for the last time.

"Magnus derserves someone who trusts and believes in him, not someone one like me who couldn't see what is right from wrong." Alec put his jacket over his shoulders and collected his car keys.

"You can have the apartment. I will come and collect my stuff tomorrow." Alec looked at James one last time before he closed the door behind him.

Alec heard James's screams as he got in the elevator.

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Alec didn't know what to expect after the breakup. He didn't know what he would feel. Would he be scared about his future? Will he ever fall in love with someone other than Magnus? Will he at least find someone to spend the life with, to grow old with? Or is he destined to spend the rest of the life by himself, so he could repent for what he did to Magnus?

He was surprised when he realised he felt nothing. He couldn't figure out whether he was feeling no emotion at all or he was feeling everything at once that he felt so overwhelmed so his brain decided to put a thin veil over his emotional block and call it nothingness.

After the conversation with Magnus on Friday, Alec spent the night at the hotel. The sleep didnt come anywhere near him as he went through every important moment he shared with James, in his brain.The time they shared the first kiss after their awkward first date, the time they both graduated and spent the weekend talking about their future, the time Alec finally could bring to give himself in to into the relationship and had their first night together, the times where James helped him through his most vulanrable moments, the time where James said the big three words as he looked in to Alec's eyes. James looked at him as if all the answers to his problems were within Alec.As much as Alec wanted to take it slow James, in front of James's confession, Alec gave into the pressure and said the three words back.
Alec didn't know or wasn't sure he was ever in love with James, but he knew how much James loved him. He felt in his core, which made him extremely guilty. Why couldn't he fall in love James after all that time? Was he incapable of loving anyone except Magnus? Was the so-called betrayal from his first ever lover repelled from any love spells for the rest of his life, or was he simply a selfish man who would stay with someone just because they would love him?

Now that everything was over, Alec sighed. He went from a man who was planning to get married in an year time to a single gay man in his 30 within just a few hours, but at least he felt light.

Will he feel weak in the future? Probably. Will he feel lonely and scared? Most definitely. Does he deserve to be alone for the rest of his life? Abso-fucking-loutly. Will he ever regret his decision about breaking up with James? No! Even though to this day, Alec struggled to let go of Magnus, the reason why he never went back to Magnus was because to Alec lying and cheating were the biggest deal breakers in a relationship If Magnus didn't get a second chance, James definitely iley wasn't going to get a second chance, even if that meant Alec would have to spend the rest of his life alone.