BBC Ǥʰ𝐎sтS | incorrect quotes

3

Mary: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.

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Pat: Who wants to make fifty bucks?
Captain: How?
Pat: I need someone to take the fall.
Captain: What did you do?
Pat: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.
Mike, from the other room: Oh my god.
Pat: ...
Mike: OH MY GOD!
Captain: Make it a hundred.
Pat: Deal.

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Captain: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.

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Kitty: Mary, we need that!
Mary, holding Julian over a trash can: Nope.
Kitty: Gimme it—
Mary: It's garbage.

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*Bullying Prevention Day at school*
Teacher: Captain, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?
Captain: Oh, that's easy. I'd take a pencil out of my pencil case—
Teacher: To write something to your teacher?
Captain: —make sure that it's really sharp, and ram it into their eye at full tilt! My mom always says the pencil is mightier than the sword because they can't outlaw bringing pencils to school!
Teacher: *internal screaming*

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Pat: Guess what number I'm thinking of.
Robin: 420?
Pat: No, that's really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously.
Humphrey: 69.
Pat: Yeah it was 69.

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Captain, looking at a selfie of Alison's: I hate this photo.
Alison: I'm cute as fuck in that photo! I'm smiling kindly.
Captain: You're not smiling kindly; you look like you're up to something.
Alison: Up to kindness.