DIRT: the grunge diaries - Bessie's diary

Entry 186 - Shame

WARNING! 18+ READERS ONLY - SLIGHT SMUT.

A week has passed and we are in another state and another hotel. Once again, Jerry checks my room for any sight of cameras or recording devices, in case Maryann is trying her luck again with destroying my love life.

Jerry actually hired a private detective in the last week to find out where Maryann is, so I can at least try and have a conversation with her. I swear Jerry just does this to get inside my panties, but whatever, it helps with tracking down the woman who made Stone Gossard hate me forever.

We've been in this new hotel for a few nights already and me and Jerry have had more than one sexual encounter, however he's still screwing the two blondes who joined us on the tour bus, so yeah sure he 'loves me', but I don't care. He can do whatever he likes as long as he isn't harming anyone else.

It's because of Jerry's tryst with the two blondes at the same time, that I have found myself with Mike Starr, alone this time and we have been bonding over some...ahem.... vigorous activities. I also think he stole ten bucks from my purse, but I'm not gonna get into that.

I still haven't heard from Stone, despite calling him to check in. He's either really busy, not home or ignoring me, and I hope it isn't the latter.
My heart is painful. I feel it defying my attempts to forget any chance I could have had with Stone, but my heart won't let me forget. This man seemed like the perfect guy, cute, interesting, intelligent, friendly, talented, caring...yet I hurt him. Not by sharing the tape with him, because that wasn't me...I didn't even know there was a tape of the group sex me, Starr, Staley, Kinney and Tori indulged in, but the fact I engaged in group sex and snorted cocaine, while the other participants did, from my body, that would be enough to break the heart of anyone's admirer. Stone knows who I am and that I am a groupie, he was okay with that, but he didn't want to see me bouncing on top of other guys, which is understandable. In all admittance, if I saw him fucking some other woman, I would feel the same.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. However, it hurts. I have cried on and off for a while, trying to keep my cool in front of everyone else. The only one who has seen me in floods of tears is Jerry, the others have seen me a little pouty, but I try not to let it get the better of me.

Layne hasn't spoken to me for about 2 weeks because Demri has been around the whole time. She HATES him even saying 'hi' to me, let alone knowing we hook up on occasion. I'd like to point out the fact that she sleeps with women and men outside of her relationship, so I don't know why she has it in for him and me specifically.

Chris and Chrissie are their loved up selves and I could only wish for the relationship those two have. I guess I was hoping for that eventually with Stone, but now that won't be.

I keep thinking maybe I should just leave this tour and go back to Seattle, and explain everything to Stone. Would it make me feel better? Or would waiting it out be better? Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that, but I believe he probably hates my guts. I miss his voice, his careful wording, everytime we speak, how much it makes me smile to hear him.

Fuck.

I'm love sick.

I have genuinely never felt this way about anyone.

Sean and Tori have been loved up also, and I love that for them. They are perfect for each other and Sean looks after my pal. I had no doubt, but again, it's making my heart feel like I missed out on any opportunity to feel loved up the way my pals are with their beaus.

Currently I'm sitting at the bar with Mike, we are slamming shots down our throats and he's eyeing me like I'm a juicy steak that he would like to devour. We have been fucking for a little while, and this week we did it together, alone, which was a first for us, and when we hook up normally, other people are getting in on the action too.

I have to admit, Starr is very fun, and we seem to share the same kinks in the bedroom. It was only a few hours ago, I was bent over a table in my hotel room, while he penetrated me from behind, his hand grasping my neck as I moaned in ecstasy. I let him cum inside me, because I have a cum kink, and that action alone had him cumming in succession. I will probably go to a clinic again (I should probably get the coil fitted), just for birth control. I can't deny that I'm having fun with him though. However, me and Mike are keeping it quiet from Jerry. Everyone knows how he'll act if he knows me and Starr have been bumping uglies.

Right now, me and Mike are heading up to my hotel room, laughing and smiling, probably at the idea of the very thing that we aim to do for the rest of the evening. Before we headed to the bar, Mike left his bag in my room, so he had a change of clothes for the morning after, and so it wouldn't seem suspicious to Jerry that he'd just been with me.

I unlock the door and we make our way in to the room. Mike backs me onto the door after I close it, and we lustfully kiss each other.

I feel his hands touching my body, one of his hands moving to my rear to grab it.

"This fucking ass..." He smirks between our kisses.

I also smile and giggle.

"You like it?" I tease.

"Fuck yeah I do, baby." He replies, squeezing my ass as he kisses my neck.

All I can think is, I wish this were Stone touching me like this.

I can't stop thinking of how I fucked up and how, the man I was crushing on and potentially planning dates with, no longer wants anything to do with me.

Another reason I'm like 'what the hell, why not fucking be the groupie that I am, and enjoy some spine tingling, body shaking, toe curling orgasms?' I guess I don't deserve anything more than this and I have to accept that.

Take me Mr Starr. Pound me into oblivion.

I don't care anymore.