traded my life [TWD]

『33』

I stayed in my ambulance while the others said goodbye to Jim. Jacqui got into the passenger seat and hid her face in her hands, crying to herself.

"These losses.. they just pile up until they suffocate you," she says.

Dale's RV is finally back on the road. I mentally send a thanks to Shane for finding a spare hose at the gas station up ahead so Dale didn't continue grilling me about taking the one from my ambulance.

I start the ambulance back up and follow behind Rick who was driving the car in front of me.

"My therapist from before told me that any death is meaningless until we give it meaning," I recall. "I still don't know what to make of that."

"I had faith in God to give it meaning," she reveals. "I hate to say that I'm starting to not see His will or His way."

My left arm props on the door and I drive with my right. "Do you still believe all of that?"

"I don't know what I believe anymore," she confesses. "But, I believe that the pain is never-ending."

"No pain ever ends. You just keep going until it stops you."

"I believe that, too," she agrees. "But, I sure wish there was a way to choose."

"You can't choose what pain to feel. I mean.. I guess you can choose who you let get close to. Lowers your chances every other death or so," I decide.

"Maybe you can choose when to stop yourself."

My eyebrows furrow. "How so?"

"Just to stop yourself before the pain can stop you," she further elaborates, though it didn't make sense to me.

"Like.. turning your feelings off?"

"Shutting yourself down," she adds with a stiff nod. "Either way."

"Turned my feelings off a long time ago," I admit. "Don't know what would happen if I just let myself feel."

Jacqui sniffles and wipes her eyes again, shuffling in her seat. She looks out the window to the mirror, though we were long past Jim.

"Even after you're bit.. you turn.. something still keeps your brain alive," she whispers. "Makes me wonder if the pain ends even after you're dead."

I hum. Maybe the walkers did feel pain. Something in them was alive enough to make them walk around.

"So, like.. being a walker is just eternal suffering until someone kills you?" I wonder.

"I see no difference in that and the way we're currently living."

I frown and glance at her for a moment. "We're still here, though. We're still alive. Fighting."

She stiffly nods, but doesn't say anything further.

--

The stench of pure decaying bodies was so overwhelming that I was sick before even opening the door. Then, as we walked through it, I felt the fumes going to my head, making me dizzy.

I pull my sleeve over my hand and wrap my arm around Carl. He takes the fabric to his mouth to make a mask of sorts and I mentally praise him for the idea.

Shane and Rick lead the way to the doors. My free hand not around Carl holds the pistol from Rick up in alarm. Though the gagging and coughing were inevitable from the smell, we tried to keep quiet as we walked through the graveyard of a parking lot.

Once to the doors, Rick pulls them to no avail.

Irritation builds before I can even fully comprehend the truth. But, the honest truth was that I already knew this place was a dead end.

"You led us into a graveyard!" Daryl blames.

The yelling and arguing was immediate. I kept a hold of Carl and my gun and tried to keep a level head. If I didn't speak, I wouldn't get myself in trouble. The last time my mouth got ahead of me, it almost got Ed killed (no matter how much the prick deserved to be beaten within an inch of his life).

Lori and Shane try to talk Rick into leaving as we head back to the vehicles. Rick starts to go off about the camera moving, refusing to go no matter how much Lori, Shane, and Dale beg him.

Carl began to cry and that felt like the final straw.

"Dammit, Rick! Let's go!" I scream. Carl whimpers and hides his face on my side.

Shane grabs Rick from behind and tugs him backward. Rick stumbles and chokes out a cry, but finally turns around to run with us. Just when we were free, the doors to the CDC open.

The lights were blinding compared to the pitch black we were standing in.

As we run inside and T-Dog and Daryl close the doors, I feel a sense of heaviness set in on my shoulders.

We were almost free. And something told me now that we were trapped.

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--

i usually never let you all in on my next plot points (never let em know your next move)

BUT

I'm at a dilemma

hyejin is a very angsty rowdy oc

so

do i kill shane

or keep him alive