traded my life [TWD]

『106』

"What are you thinking?"

I had my feet on the dashboard of the car, fingers picking at a hole in my jeans. 

"I'm thinking I missed you and your smelly ass," I answer Daryl's question.

He looks in the rearview mirror where Daniel, Woojin, and Sasha are asleep. 

"I'm serious," he says.

I tear the string free from my jeans and sigh with a little shrug.

"We're back together.. But, it feels like we're still worlds away."

"How so?"

"The last time I spoke to Maggie, we were arguing over who we should look for. I said Beth and Rick.. she said Glenn. Since we got back together, I haven't spoken to her once."

"She'll come around. You two have been through too much to let an argument get in your way."

I spin the string around my finger and hum. "I see Rick.. but he still doesn't feel like Rick.. If that makes sense."

"We went through shit out there," Daryl assures. "He's still here."

"Do you think.. Maybe if Daniel and I had stayed with those assholes that-"

"Don't do that," Daryl interjects. "Don't start blaming yourself for shit that was out of your control."

"They almost killed you, Rick, Carl, and Michonne," I point out. "If I had just stayed a little longer-"

"Then, they would've killed you. Or at the very least, done things to you that made you wish you were dead."

I rest my head on the door. "Well, not like that didn't happen anyway."

Daryl looks over from where he was driving. "What? What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing."

"It ain't nothing. Did someone do something?"

"Do you remember how I used to deal to Merle?" I wonder.

He nods to let me know he heard me.

"Hershel told me this story of Mary in the Bible. Not the mother, but his friend. She slept around a lot.. didn't get paid or anything. She was just sinful."

"And how do these tie in to each other?"

"At that hospital, men are always pigs- more so when the world falls and the laws are dead and gone. I didn't want to be sinful unless.. Well, unless I got something out of it."

"So, instead of pills, you were selling.. yourself?"

A small hint of shame rises up my neck and I shrug. "Gotta do what you gotta do to keep going."

I see the look in his eyes, despite him staring at the road. He looks sad. I see how his hand grips the steering wheel tighter. Angry.

I don't think I would be able to talk about what happened at Grady with anyone outside of Daryl. Maybe Maggie if we were on better terms, but even then, I'm not sure if she would understand my logic.

Daryl, though.. He understood my logic. We grew up in similar ways. We had to fight to survive even before life was about literal survival around the clock.

"I feel like an outsider," I confess.

"Outsider?" he repeats.

"It's weird. I know that you're my family.. but, I just feel like I don't belong. Like I'm some kind of fraud. We were only separated for a week.. But, I swear, it feels like I've been gone for years."

"Time moves different now," he relates.

"Just feels like we finally figured it out, you know?" I ask. "We had systems.. the council.. a schedule.. everything was clicking into place for the first time."

"Then, an asshole from the past fucks it up," he scoffs.

I look in the mirror at Woojin's sleeping face and frown. He looked calm. Peaceful. Yet, he didn't understand just how much pain he's already endured.

"Woojin was asking about Hershel again yesterday," I reveal. "I think when we were getting in the cars, I was looking for him, too."

"I still turn and expect to say something to T," Daryl assures. "It never gets easier."

"There's so many new people. Abraham, Rosita, Tara, Daniel, Noah," I list off. "What if it's just more people to lose?"

"I don't know. We can't guess that."

"Shane said people are a resource. Grady as a whole thought that. To be honest, I'm just afraid that more people means more mouths to feed, more heads to count, and more space to take up."

"The group that took the prison. We could do anything together. We made it through hell. Living on the road all winter, two pregnant women, then a baby.. That was our strongest time."

"You think we're weak now?" I wonder- not judging, just purely curious.

"We lost T-Dog, Hershel, Bob, Tyreese.."

"And Lori, Andrea, Merle," I continue.

"Sometimes it's better to lose the ones that held us down."

My brows furrow and I look at him again, though he stays facing straight.

"Do you mean that?"

"I don't know," he confesses. "But, I know that you would be in worse shape if Lori were here. Hell, Rick would be in worse shape cause of her dragging him through the mud."

"And you?" I wonder.

"If Merle were here, he's pop me with his metal hand for 'being a pussy'. He'd weigh me down. Make me think I could make it out here on my own."

I reach over and lightly grab his shoulder. His free hand not on the wheel reaches up to clasp over mine.

"I know how you feel," I admit.

"You're stronger, though."

"How so?" I question.

"I had to bury Merle. You had to walk away," he explains and finally looks at me. "Takes more strength than I've seen in a long time."

Daryl looks back at the road and I feel tears brimming in my eyes, but I push them away. I didn't cry to Daryl. We had an understanding.

"You walked away, too. You came back," I remind. "You always do."

"You can come back, too. You're not an outsider. You're home now," he promises.

I squeeze his shoulder to convey my gratitude. Then, I return to playing with my string as Sasha wakes up in the backseat.

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--

i started a new book based on the kdrama "night has come" so go read it and give me validation rather you've seen the show or not i demand love

things are tense between hyejin and rick, maggie, and others BUT the bestie duo is back together of baddie hyejin and her passenger princess daryl bc nothing can tear them apart <3