The Kumicho Force Wife

Chapter 21 Adjustment Disorder

"Yorimitsu?" I called his name. I'm not certain why I don't want him inside the room, but I also want to be sure that he's just within my reach. That when I need him he will prompt himself out of the door to check on me. My feelings were all uncertain and my mind couldn't decide what I had to do. All I know is that I will be fine as long as I can take my anti-depressant pills.
" I'm here Hana-chan, don't worry. I won't leave you." He affirmed from outside the door. He was like an obedient pup that didn't want to further offend his master.
" Thank you." I uttered enough for him to hear it.
A little bit later, I heard my son's voice and then Yorimitsu came in with two suitcases in both of his hands. I couldn't help but sigh in relief when my things finally arrived. David didn't say anything, he just left all of my stuff at Yorimitsu and walked out.
My son knows I don't like him to see me when I'm in this state. That's why he left without a word.
I sat on the tiled floor when Yorimitsu placed the two suitcases down and opened each one of them.
My hand automatically has my t-shirt and pajamas. I didn't mind that he was there observing my every move. I took off the robe and wore my cotton panty then I put on my pajamas and shirt. When my eyes catch a glimpse of my medical bag, I rush to find the fluoxetine. I needed water and I saw one on the table, but before I could place the medicine in my mouth, Yorimitsu's big warm hand stopped me mid way.
" At least eat some porridge before drinking your med Hana-chan. David reminded me that I have to make sure you eat before taking any medicine. I stared at his face contemplating what to do, but then, knowing it was my concerned son who said it, I finally sat down and picked up the small bowl of rice porridge. He sat next to me and it was only now that I noticed there were two bowls of porridge on the table.
" What time is it? You haven't eaten either?" I asked, which brought a smile to his lips.
" How can I eat when you haven't had anything since this morning? David says you have a weak stomach."
"So that's why we were eating rice porridge? You're afraid that I might get an upset stomach because it's past time for lunch?" I saw him nodding while scooping his food.
" I'm not that weak, I'd rather just take the med and sleeping pills and doze off immediately." I paused from eating my food in a daze for a bit before I spoke again.
" But David is worried and he knows this habit of mine, that is why he instructed you what to do." I continued eating my food until it was empty and placed it on the table. Then I ate both the antidepressant capsule and the sleeping pills. Yorimitsu was about to stop me but it was already too late as I gulped it in. He hopelessly stared at me massaging the side of his neck. He, too, had finished food.
" Fine, let's go brush your teeth, wash your face and lie on the bed." He stood up and offered his big callous hand. I stared at it for a bit before swatting it away.
" I'm not a child, Yorimitsu." I stood and went to the bathroom. He followed me inside and handed me a new toothbrush and toothpaste. I took it without saying a thing. After I'm done doing all the stuff I had to do in the bathroom, I walk out and head to my big suitcase. I carried my U-shaped pink pregnancy pillow and placed it on the bed. I picked up a silk slip on sleeping mask in the black mini-travel pouch where I found my undies and settled on the bed. Yorimitsu, who was watching everything in silence, finally spoke.
" Hana-chan, can I also join you in bed?" He asked.
" Do what you want." I answered back before I placed the sleeping mask on my eyes. I heard him sigh, then I felt the bed deepen. His warm body engulfed me in a hug and, in one instance, my huge full body pillow plopped on the ground. I took off my sleeping mask ready to fight him but when I saw the pain and conflicted look on his face, I couldn't.
My heart breaks seeing that look on his face.
" If you can't deal with my episode since you're a stressor, it's best for you to leave me alone Yorimitsu." I said, trying to free myself in his hug.
" How can I do that, Hana-chan? Your cruelty, I will accept it all. I know I'm at fault, so you can vent your anger and frustration to me. Just please don't ask me to leave. I don't want you to be alone when you're like this." He begged, burying his face on my back. I took a deep sigh and I stopped struggling. I turned my body to face him. He looked up at me when I cupped both of his cheeks.
"You know Yorimitsu, I don't know if you're a sadist or a masochist?" Then I placed a kiss on his lips.
" I'm sorry for being difficult to you, it's not entirely your fault. Last night was a very stressful night. And today when I was in the bathroom and you threatened me. I felt like I was left behind again." Yorimitsu arranged his position on the bed, letting me use his arm as my pillow while his other hand held me on my waist.
"Go on, I will listen to every word you say, Hana-chan." He placed a warm kiss on my forehead and my heart felt relaxed.
" I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder. It manifested three months later after my ex-partner died." I bit my lower lips trying to calm my mind. He traced with his thumbs the lips I bit and my quivering mouth settled down.
" He has stage 4 lung cancer and in his country there is this thing they call "Mercy killing" or Euthanasia. He doesn't want to suffer by doing chemo when he knows the cancer has already spread through his body. Since I am not married it took a while before I could get a schengen visa to visit him together with David. My last memory of him was his smiling face when the doctor injected him with the drug and he slowly shut his eyes." I pause to take a deep breath and continue.
" Later when I read his letter he said he knew I would come with our son and that he was sorry for leaving so early. He doesn't want to undergo chemotherapy and see us suffer because of him. He doesn't want to be a burden to us, but that is not how I see it." I took a deep breath trying to hold in the tears in my eyes, but they still dripped down my cheeks. Yorimitsu warm hand dries it up.
"OK, let it all out. I'm here next to you, Hana-chan, and I won't leave you." He reassured me. But hearing those words made my tears overflow in my eyes and the pain I had been containing in my heart for a long time finally burst out.
" How can he decide things for me? If I suffer, that's my problem, but I still want to be with him. He was my best friend before he was my lover. He was the main foundation of our family. It's like a sand castle that was washed away when he died. I didn't care about what he left behind; it was him that we needed. So when you said you would blind me, chain my hand and cripple my legs, that triggered me." I stared straight into the darkness of his eyes. It was void of emotion but I continued.
" How can you presume what I should do? Don't you trust me enough to believe I won't leave you? Was my effort to understand your situation and trying to balance my normal life with your entirely different life not sufficient to prove that I love you? Enough that I wanted to do everything so this relationship could work?"After saying that, Yorimitsu pulled my head to his chest whispering, I'm sorry" while I cried until I fell asleep. I don't know what he will think of me after this, but I am prepared. They say when you give all the love in your heart. When it shatters, even though you piece it together, it won't be the same anymore. The void that separated Yorimitsu and I was that broken piece of my heart. It's already broken, so he can't hurt me more like the first man I loved with all my heart.
The next day when I woke up, I was still engulpted in Yorimitsu hugs. It was actually so tight I wondered how I even fell asleep without having problems breathing. When I stared at his sleeping face, his frowning, I tried to smoothen out the two lines that formed in between his brows but I ended up waking him up. He slowly opened his eyes and grabbed my head.
"Ohayo Hana-chan, Did you sleep well? Are you feeling much better now?" He asked worriedly. He was about to stand up but he hissed, grabbing the arm that I used as a pillow. My hand automatically moves, massaging his arm.
" You know, you could have replaced your hand with a pillow," I uttered.
" It's not a big deal, I don't want to lose our body contact and I don't want you to feel lonely when you wake up and you're not wrapped in my body." He massages the side of his neck and his ear is a bit red. Gosh, I didn't know the great Yorimitsu Minamoto could blush too.