Tila Tala

II

I spent the whole Christmas break stalking Isagani’s social media accounts. I was so curious but there are no traces of evidence or even little clues. That night of the Christmas party, he added to his story a picture of his white shoes stepping on the grass. There is a flower beside it and a gray tough surface I cannot identify. Therefore, I still conclude he might be in the... cemetery? A flower shop? Park? Hindi ko alam.

“Happy new year, Tal!”

A lot of my blockmates and acquaintances greeted as the school days continued. Such a fresh start. Since my class will start at eight, I still have time to catch up with my friends. I have a lot of friends in another department, in other year level, kahit sa ibang universities ay may connections ako. I am with my art club mates now.

“I want macaroni salad,” I uttered.

“Sakto, I have some.” Kuya Rome offered me a cute container with the shade of pink, may ribbon pa. Napataas ang mga kilay ko because of sudden realization.

“It’s for someone, ‘no? Hala, I won’t take it!”

He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s okay. She doesn’t like macaroni salad pala, ayaw niyang tanggapin.”

I pouted. “That’s okay, Kuya. Alamin natin ang favorite para mapaamo ang lucky girl!”

Pagpasok ko sa classroom ay agad na nagtama ang mga tingin naming dalawa. I suddenly feel cold and awkward. I really wanted to ask but it feels and looks like wala ako sa posisyon para mag-usisa.

Tumabi ako kay Tiffany, nagulat pa siya at napatili. I guess, the squeak is for something she wanted to tell me.

“Girl, alam mo ba?!”

“Malamang, hindi pa.”

She gave me ‘that’ look while playing with her braided hair. “Uh-huh? About Gani’s instagram account? I bet, you already have an idea.” Malakas siyang tumawa.

She knew me so well. Siguro ay pansing-pansin na niya ang masyadong pagbibigay ng atensiyon ko kay Isagani. Can you blame me? I was so curious about him! Gusto ko siyang makilala, gusto ko siyang maging kaibigan. I am just finding ways.

“Tiff! Lower down your voice. Saka ayaw kong mag-assume!”

Mas malakas pa ang itinawa niya sa naging reaksiyon ko. I don’t really want to assume things. Hindi naman ako ganoon. But Tala is such a rare name. Was it possible he has another Tala in his life? Well, hindi naman ako belong sa buhay niya, baka may Tala talaga siya.

“Hi, Gani,” kalma ang tono ng boses ko at hindi gaanong puno ng buhay.

I finally had the courage once again. It took weeks bago ko siya sinubukang batiin ulit. He never responded, kaya minsan ay nahihiya na rin ako. But that wasn’t in my vocabulary. I am so persistent in making him my friend.

He did not answer. Not even raising his brows or just a ‘hmm?’. Just his blank stares, enough to make me feel his coldness and to step my foot backwards. Lumihis na siya ng daan pagkatapos, hindi na hinintay marinig ang concern ko. Wala naman talaga akong concern, gusto ko lang makipag-usap.

Okay. Better luck, next time.

“‘My, ‘Dy, I’m home!”

Mommy appeared from the kitchen, sa kusina ay may maingay na naghahalo ng kung ano sa baso. Maybe Daddy’s making drinks or his coffee.

“I made cupcakes for you, Tal,” Mommy placed a tray on the center table. “‘Dy helped me also put some toppings on.” She chuckled as Daddy went out from the kitchen, holding a pitcher and glasses in his hands.

I took a first bite in Mommy’s cupcake. She really excels in baking. That’s why I was planning, one day, I will build her a pastry shop.

“‘My,” I called. “Naikuwento ko na po si Gani sa inyo, ‘di ba?”

“The guy who smiles at everyone but not to you? Are you still bothered that he, well, maybe doesn’t like you?” Mommy asked.

I pouted. “No!” Yes. I really wanted to know why.

“Anak, you don’t have to please everone, okay? The guy may be allergic to a pretty lady like you.” I chuckled at Daddy’s remarks. Iyon na nga lang ang iisipin ko.

The next day, I did not bother to greet or take a glance at him. It would not cause me a downfall if one person doesn’t like me. But Tiffany shared a lot of information about Isagani. This girl, really.

Isagani is from Tagaytay who moved here to Manila for college. Wala na siyang nanay, she died a year ago because of a car accident. Tiffany even said that Isagani did not even mourn for his mother for some reason and that reason is unknown. His father, on the other hand, is living with his new family. He has no siblings. So basically, mag-isa na lang si siya buhay.

I was waiting for the information about the girl that almost became his girlfriend, but Tiffany said nithing about it. I didn’t ask about it, anyway. What caught my attention is his way of living before.

Based on Tiffany’s stories, Isagani used to be nobody. Has no friends, always alone walking in the corridor of his previous school. He always seemed to be distant and cold, quiet but timid. Like how he is acting towards me right now.

“Maglalabas na ng list ng dean’s lister mamaya.”

“Kinakabahan ako...”

“Girl, you don’t have to be afraid naman. Everything you do, your parents are still clapping their hands for you and welcome you with open arms. Saka alam naman nating ginagawa mo ang best mo palagi. Enough to be on the top.” Tiffany offered me a hug.

Hindi ako katalinuhan. Sakto lang. Kung hindi nagre-review para sa mga quizzes at gagawa ng mga projects para magpasa on time ay baka nasa laylayan na ako. In terms of academics, I always feel like I am at the end of the line. Iyong tipong nakakasabay, pero hindi nag-e-excel. That is one of my insecurities. But at least, I knew, I’m trying.

“Hindi... ako pasok...”

Agad akong nanlumo nang makitang wala ang pangalan ko sa listahan. I took a deep quiverring breath and slowly closed my laptop. I bit my lower lip, trying my best not to cry. Not here, Tala. But then I still cannot suppress my feelings like how I cannot suppress my smiles when i’m happy.

Madilim na ang paligid, malamig na rin ang simoy ng hangin na bumabalot sa akin. Nasa school pa rin ako dahil katatapos lang ng meeting namin para sa paghahanda sa paparating na okasyon. Napatitig ako sa kawalan.

No one ever pressured me about my study. Mommy and Daddy were always smiling seeing my grades. They always said that as long as I’m not failing and I am learning, that’s enough to make them proud. Kailan ko lang din naisip na baka minsan, umaasa sila. Pero hindi lang nila sinasabi para hindi ako ma-pressure at mapuwersang mag-aral ng mas mabuti pa.

Hindi ko rin naman gaanong itinutulak at isinusubsob ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral. I should have expected less. Pero paano kung hanggang dito lang talaga ang kaya ko?

“I... failed.” I whispered.

“And that’s okay.”

Natigilan ako nang marinig ang boses na iyon. I knew very well whose voice is that. Hindi ako nakalingon agad. Hanggang sa mag-abot ng panyo ang mala-kandila niyang mga daliri sa harap ko.

“May susunod pa para bumawi,” he said. “Proud pa rin ang lahat sa ‘yo, Amore...”

That’s the only thing I wanted to hear right now. Thank you for the amazing words, Gani.

•••