Tila Tala

XXIV

“Look, Mommy, a teacher!”

“I want to be a teacher someday!”

My heart warmed as I heard what the little girl said. I smiled at her and waved my hand, she jumped with excitement as she told her mother what I did. Kids are indeed adorable, but I don’t think I would even have just one in the future.

“Mommy,” I answered her call.

[“Tala!”] I heard Thyme’s little voice in the background. Nahimigan niya agad ang boses ko.

“Hello, lovie! Bakit gising ka pa?” I asked, I just earned a heartily laugh from my little brother.

[“Hindi ka pa out? Gabi na...”] Mommy asked.

“Ibibili ko lang po ng regalo si Thyme para bukas...”

[“Okay. Take care, love.”]

[“Take cawe!”] I chuckled as Thyme mimicked what Mommy said.

Thyme is turning three. He’s growing up too fast. So I am, I’ll be turning twenty-five next year.

“Happy birthday, my love...”

I kissed Thyme’s cheeks. Gumalaw siya mula sa pagkakatulog, nang magmulat siya ng mga mata ay agad siyang yumakap sa leeg ko. He showered me with kisses and giggles. I couldn’t remove my smile because of this another memory to cherish.

“Church?”

“Daddy has plans for your day, baby. Let’s ask him later, oki?”

Thyme always ask for us to visit in a church. He is such a man of God. He never forgets to pray in bed, in dining, in a trip, anywhere. He just loves sending his thoughts to Him.

Karga ko sa mga bisig si Thyme nang bumaba kami. Mommy and Daddy made a surprise for him. They organized a pool party for him later at night. I made sure to clear my schedule, I just couldn’t miss his birthday.

“I’m not your ninang but I am willing to be your rich taken Ate.” Tiffany said as she handed him her gifts.

Thyme is not materialistic for his age. But he’s always grateful. He prefers quality time and words of affirmation more.

“Ate Tal, let’s swim!” Pinaypayan ako ni Thyme para ayain.

“Later, baby.” I chuckled when he pouted.

Lumapit ako sa may pool na ipinagawa ni Mommy at Daddy last year lang din para sa bunso. He loves swimming, we can all see that have a future in swimming as his sports. Inabot ko ang kamay niya. He has his salbabida on, si Jade ang nagbabantay sa kaniya ngayon. Yes, they are here. Papalo, Mamala, and Jade are here.

“Ligo na kasi, asim mo na.”

I jokingly rolled my eyes. “Kapal.”

Thyme tugged my hand, muntik na akong mahulog pero agad naituon ni Jade ang kamay niya sa tuhod ko para pigilan ang pagkatumba sa tubig. Jade laughed, on the other hand, Thyme is saying sorry.

“Kuya Jade wants to tell you something.”

I looked at Jade but he averted my gaze. “Bawal.”

Tumawa ako at tumayo na. Jade admitted to Thyme that he likes me. Nauna nang umamin si Thyme sa akin para sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam kung totoo talaga iyon pero hindi naman ako manhid para hindi maramdamang nagpaparamdam siya.

It’s been years since I met him. Hindi ko talaga siya masyadong naaalala noong una lalo na’t may iba akong kasama. But when everything got blurry, Jade showed up and became vivid. We became closer as he often visited Manila because of some errands.

I went upstairs and changed my clothes.

“Aalis ka?”

“Sasamahan ko lang po si Tiff sandali, babalik po kami agad.”

I kissed Mommy’s cheek and went inside Tiffany’s car. Nagpapasama siyang bumili ng regalo para sa mgagulang niya para sa darating na pasko.

Naghiwalay kami ni Tiffany sandali nang may maisipan akong bilhin din. I went out of the mall but suddenly, the church caught my attention. Hindi kami dumalo sa kahit anong misa ngayong araw. Malalim na rin ang gabi pero matao pa rin sa paligid, sa loob ng simbahan lang hindi na masyado dahil tapos na ang misa.

Maybe... I can deliver my prayer alone tonight.

I slowly walk through the red carpet, I sit on the second row and stare at the big cross in front. I am here not to ask and seek for answers, but to thank Him for healing me.

I bent my knees and joined my palm together, I closed my eyes as I started sharing Him my thoughts.

I never thought love could be that cruel. Or maybe it was me who was always hard on myself. I want to ask for forgiveness, I couldn’t take him back, I couldn’t love Isagani just like the same as before after what happened. Was it my fault, I couldn’t look at him straight in his eyes without thinking of my sister who loved him wholeheartedly and he did the same for years? It hurts me. It pained me. Knowing that I wasn’t for loving someone that my sister had loved before. I couldn’t stay and hold his hand forever because I was always scared of looking back.

Bowing my head in front of you, delivering my most sincere thank you and acknowledgement. Showing all my gratitude with my knees bent down.

Isagani made me ask myself too, “who would I be if I had never been loved by him?”. I was always a crybaby, always depending on others, couldn’t make my own decisions alone, couldn’t bear larger problems and pain. Isagani’s love made me stronger than I could ever be. Isagani’s love changed me into a better person. Isagani’s love is the rot of this all.

But here I am, admitting to myself in the silence of the night that I still care... as someone who truly loved him, through the almost four years of my life, I still think about “do Isagani keep his smile and live happily, too?”.

As I slowly opened my eyes, I faced the man in my prayers. Tumigil ang mundo... pero wala nang malalakas na pintig ng puso, tuwa at kaba sa dibdib, pangungulilang namumutawi. That is when I knew, I am healed.

Staring at him makes my eyes watered a bit. He looked more mature now that I am staring at him face to face. He was even wearing glasses I couldn’t identify if reading or what. He looked more formal and a grown up man now. I couldn’t help but be proud, I knew he could even without me.

“Good... evening, Tal.”

Nagkaroon na ako ng lakas tumayo. “Gani...”

My lips curved into a smile. It feels so warm seeing him again after years with the same smile I used to love. It feels so good seeing his eyes without pain, regrets, and suffering. It’s been a long, ang sarap sa pakiramdam na maramdamang pareho na kaming nakausad.

“Sabi ko naman sa ‘yo, kaya mo, e...”

“Ikaw din, Gani. You always did well.”

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