Tila Tala

XIV

“Sophomore year...”

“Second year na tayo, hindi ka pa rin umaamin?” Tiffany asked.

“Everyone is telling me not to,” I shrugged.

I wanted to, but I am really scared. Isa pa, Isagani and I are now friends. I might have ruined our friendship just because I wanted him to be aware of my feelings? Well, I knew, he was kind of aware. Maybe he is just waiting for confirmation from me, but I guess, that won’t happen anymore.

“Lunch?”

“KFC, please,” I requested.

“A’ight. Coming right up.”

Hindi na kami magkaklase ni Isagani. But somehow, we were both still making our way to see each other. Hindi ko alam kung gawain pa ba ito ng magkaibigan o pangmagka-ibigan na. I mean, I am still grateful if it means both.

“Hi, Dhea!” I greeted when I saw her.

“Hi, Tal... how is it going with Isagani?”

I just chuckled to her question. Dhea took the book before I could even start reading it. Sabi niya ay hindi na siya masyadong abala at marami nang naipong ideya na idudugtong sa kuwento. Kinuha niya iyon noong sana’y uumpisahan ko na dahil ako naman ang hindi na abala sa ibang bagay. But I could still remember the first paragraph I have read.

Midnights, moonlights, under the starry skies. Who would have thought... that the other one is up there, shining so bright, and the other is staying here with me tonight.

Nagpaalam na si Dhea nang makitang may tumatawag sa akin. It’s Mommy, telling me to invite Isagani in our house to welcome Ber months. Uh, Mommy really loves celebrating even every little thing.

Sometimes, Mommy or even Daddy is actually inviting him sa house to ate with us or celebrate something. It feels like they were really including Isagani, they are treating him like a part of our little family. And I am loving it.

We were perfectly fitting to each other’s daily living. I can feel the always gentle and feels like comfort and peace Isagani. I never felt I am a stranger to him like before. It feels like we really have something between us that makes each other special. I admit, I am loving him more. I guess, this is my own definition of love.

Found comfort and peace in between his arms.

But then, Isagani disappeared in the middle of December. Again. No contacts, no even just a little update about him. He deactivated all of his social media accounts, his phone were always can not be reached. No traces of him going anywhere.

But I think... he is in Tagaytay. Ulit.

“Is Isagani agreed celebrating Christmas with us?”

“Wala po siya, e... nasa... Tagaytay.”

Ikatlong araw ng simbang gabi, Mommy and Daddy joined me attending the mass. They were asking about him, but he is actually also three days missing.

Sa totoo lang ay hindi na ako natatakot o kinakabahan kung nasaan man siya ngayon, mas lamang ang kirot sa puso. After all, Isagani is distancing himself without thinking of me. Tiffany’s words took back at me.

Is it really vague to deal with that kind of guy? Parang hindi ko na ma-justify ang actions niya. Siguro, nakalimutan ko lang na hindi lahat ng selfish ay may sapat at katanggap-tanggap na dahilan. Kailan ba ako mapapabilang sa mga taong mahalaga sa mundo niya?

I busied myself hanging out with my friends, attending simbang gabi, and spending time with my family. But in the end of the day, my mind is still recalling him. Siya pa rin ang naiisip ko hanggang sa makatulog ako sa gabi. I am worried, but can’t do anything about it.

To: Gani
hello

seventh day na ng simbang gabi mamaya. I actually want to attend every mass with you, but you were nowhere to be found again. I miss you, Gani :(

but it’s oki. I’m waiting. take your time ^^

“Bye, ‘My...”

“Take care, Tal,”

Tiffany can’t come, Mommy is busy, Daddy is still at work, so I am solo flight for tonight. Kapag nakumpleto ko ang simbang gabi ngayong taon, hihilingin kong sana ay makapasok na ako ng buo sa buhay niya. Hindi naman sa napapagod na akong maghintay. Pero hanggang kailan ko nga ba kaya?

I bought puto bumbong with a lot of cheese before the mass started, napaaga kasi ang dating ko. Naupo ako sa gilid ng plant box na wala namang tanim na halaman at tahimik na kumain.

I really love welcoming the cold breeze of December. That’s why it is my favorite month. Pinagmasdan ko ang paligid, maraming mga tao na masyadong abala sa sari-sariling mundo. Aktibong umaandar naman ang mga sasakyan sa labas. Maliwanag ang paligid dahil sa kabi-kabilang pailaw. Tumingala naman ako sa langit.

Kumikindat ang mga bituin sa akin. I chuckled. Personification.

Tala... I love stars because I was named after it. But the moon somehow catches my eyes everytime it’s full. I love the uniqueness of it, the one and only moon that no one can copy and surpass.

Everyone is listening the the priest’s homily. I was just standing at the back with my arms crossed over my chest, attentively listening.

“Hindi ka magiging sapat sa taong hindi tapat.” Father uttered that made everyone silent. “May hinahanap na iba ‘yong tao, e! Hindi niya makikita ang halaga mo. Hindi niya maa-appreciate ang lahat ng ibinibigay mo para maging sapat ka sa paningin niya.”

“Dahil... may hinihintay, hinahanap, at hinihiling siyang iba.”

The mass ended in a snap. I waited for the other people to passed by and went out of the church bago ulit ako pumasok dito. I am in the middle, walking slowly towards the front.

I suddenly wanted to cry. It feels so heavy now. I am just ignoring the fact that I am hurting about what Isagani is doing. And now, I am bursting it all here. Sa simbahan pa talaga. Suminghot ako.

“Thanks for waiting, Tala...”

Nilingon ko ang pinanggalingan ng sobrang pamilyar na boses. I saw Isagani standing in the church’s door. My heart heaved. I want to scold him, I want to get mad. But after all, I realized, wala pa rin akong karapatan.

He gave me a small smile as he heaved a sigh. Mabagal siyang naglakad palapit sa akin. I was just there, staring intently at him. Then he suddenly took my hand. Nabaling doon ang pansin ko.

“Let’s be real,” he uttered. “I like you... and I know you like me, too.”

Natigilan ako’t agad na umangat sa kaniya ang mga mata sa gulat. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I guess, this is the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling. Sigurado ba ako sa narinig ko?

“This is the confirmation we are both waiting for, Tal. Let’s clear things between us, I am so so confused.”

So am I. “Gani...”

“I want to ask for your permission to let me court you— no, I am letting you know I’m going to court you.” He smiled.

Para akong inihehele sa alapaap. Parang natutunaw sa ilalim ng mga titig niya. I smiled genuinely as I tiltled my head.

“Hindi naman ako hihindi tayo, Gani...”

Idinaan niya sa tawa ang nararamdaman. “So, we are now on the next level?”

“Ligawan stage.” I answered as I nodded.

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