I thought love was supposed to be a shield, a magical barrier that protected us from the harsh blows of reality. But love... was not a magic spell to bridge the gaps but a fragile string stretched across the abyss, threatening to snap at any moment.
“Ang cute talaga ni baby Thyme!” Tiffany couldn’t stop playing with him.
“As he should, mana sa akin.”
Habang nakaupo sa aking hita si Thyme at nilalaro ang puzzle na dala ni Tiffany ay pinapakain ko siya ng prutas. He loves eating fruits and vegetables, hindi sa akin namana, hindi ako mahilig doon. But that’s good, lalaki siyang malusog at puno ng sustansiya.
Three years have passed. I am now living the life I did not imagine I would end up. Happy, contented, and alone.
I started studying education without any will, I finished my education course with burning love and passion. I am now a licensed secondary teacher, teaching grade ten students my subject, english.
I started talking about having my own nursery school. I adore babies so much, so I think I would be a good teacher of little kiddos. But since I am still earning and learning, napagdesisyunan kong mag-stay muna kung nasaan ako ngayon. Pero kagaya ng pastry shop ni Mommy na kabubukas lang ngayong taon, bubuuin ko rin ang sa akin pagdating ng panahon.
I have my own condominium now. Kabubukod ko lang din. It took me months before I finally came up with my decision of moving. Nag-aalala rin kasi ako na maiiwan silang tatlo sa bahay. Daddy is not always at home, si Mommy naman, ayaw kumuha ng tagapag-alaga o kasambahay para may makatulong sa bahay. She is very hands-on and gentle to my little brother.
In three years, I had my vacation to different countries two to three times a year. It’s my dad that is spoiling me before, but little by little, sariling pera ko na ang ginagamit ko sa mga bagay na katulad nito. I can buy my own things, essentials, needs, and even wants anytime I want with my own money. It is an achievement for me, ilang taon din akong nakadepende sa mga magulang ko. Ngayon ko lang sila masusuklian.
I have nothing in mind I could wish for. Love? But love... I just set myself free from it, just broke the chains that ties me up to the wreckage of what once was done for a long time. I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t wish someone to love me anymore. Because I just found out my own definition of it.
Love is a choice, and mine is to live without it.
“‘My, si Thyme po. Gagawa pa po ako ng lesson plan...”
“Let Mommy handle him, love. Do your things na.” Kinuha niya ang bata sa akin. I kissed Thyme’s cheeks before going upstairs.
My heart warmed as he smiled. I have Thyme, I have my family beside me. Thyme Amir is my two year-old brother. Funny how our gap was twenty-two years. Hindi ko talaga inaasahang masusundan pa kami ni Ate Amora. After twenty-two years, naisipan din nilang gumawa ng anghel. After that problem, nagulat na lang ako nang makalipas ang ilang linggo ay may ipinakita na silang ultrasound picture.
“Good morning, Grade ten.”
“Good morning, Ma’am Tala!”
“Okay, before we start, let’s recall our previous lesson... additional plus three for every correct answer to my questions.”
December welcomed me without the same excitement I used to feel. Tatlong taon ko nang hindi nakukumpleto ang simbang gabi. Kadalasan ay nakaka-attend lang ako ng misa tuwing bisperas ng pasko. Also on Thyme’s birthday, December twenty-two... when my twin died, when we fell apart.
Speaking of the person I was talking about when I mentioned ‘we’... wala na akong balita sa kaniya matapos ang graduation. Kahit nasa iisang paaralan kami at ilang buwang paikot-ikot doon, hindi kailanman nagtagpo ang landas naming dalawa. I saw him marching on our graduation day, alone...
I can vividly remember, I felt a pang on my chest while watching him, I shed a tear for Isagani for the last time that day, it just feels so heavy I can still feel the burden he is carrying. I cannot imagine how hard it is for him to go through all of it alone. I just broke my promise to him, I cannot hold his hand forever.
Maraming senyales akong nakita na inuudyukan akong bumalik sa kaniya.
Mommy and Daddy forgave him, hindi man sila nagkita-kitang muli, they told me they are forgiving him for me, para sa kung anong mayroon kami. We reached his father out and he delivered the most sincere apologies — which I cannot still accept, hindi ko matanggap na nagawa niya ‘yon. That led Ate Amora to end her life. Lastly, my twin visited me in my dreams for the first time just... recently, telling me I will always have the special piece of Isagani’s heart.
“Amore...”
A woman standing in front of me looks like... me. Her appearance, her presence, her voice. We were each other’s carbon copy, indeed. I finally had a chance to meet my twin sister, Amora.
She lent her hand towards me. “He’s waiting...”
Dumaloy ang takot at kirot sa aking dibdib. I slowly shook my head, declining the offer of taking him back. Not when I finally made a decision. Not when I am too decided to uphold it.
“Tell him to stop, Ate. Hindi ko na siya kayang mahalin.”
Her eyes softened as she took her hand back. Naupo siya sa tabi ko sa damuhan. I noticed that we were in front of her tomb, and the one who was talking to me was the person I came here for.
“Isagani often sits on the grass beside my tomb, and he’s talking to me. He’s telling stories about you, reminiscing about memories with his love, how much he misses you... how much he loves you.”
“I am prepared for the day that Isagani will visit me with a new girl he truly loves and deserves. I knew, it was you, Amore. Please, don’t be afraid of facing what your heart really desires..”
The idea of Isagani doing all of those makes me feel so loved. But it could help nothing for me to take my love back for him again.
“Hindi palaging may sunod na pagkakataon, Amore. Hindi palaging may oras para bumawi.”
“But I knew, he would always leave a place for you. Kung kailan handa ka nang bumalik.” Her smile never fades. But I still shook my head. “As the season changes and time continues its dance, his love for you remains constant, an unwavering flame flickering softly.”
Hindi ako galit kay Isagani. Galit ako sa sitwasyon. Naiipit ako sa mga nangyaring hindi ko naman alam at ginusto. O baka... ako lang din ang umiipit sa sarili ko.
Sabi nila, puwede. Walang masamang ipagpatuloy ang kung anong mayroon kami sa kabila ng sitwasyon. Sabi ng iba, hindi. Hindi magandang tingnan kung ako ang mag-uuwi sa trinabaho ng kapatid ko. And I agree with the latter. Hindi ko kayang tingnan si Isagani, knowing that he was my sister’s first and greatest love, and he admitted he feels the same as her. I cannot stand staring at his eyes without feeling small after all.
At iyon ang pumatay sa pagmamahal na mayroon ako para kay Isagani ng ilang taon. Kung laya na siya, ako rin. Laya na ako sa pagmamahal na ikinulong ko ng apat na taon.
•••
YOU ARE READING
Tila Tala
Novela JuvenilJust like a star, I stare you for long. While everything has change, I can not break away.
