Tila Tala

XVIII

“Gani!”

“Tal! Why are you...” Gulat niya akong sinalubong.

My brows furrowed as I tilted my head. Mapungay ang mga mata niya, bahagyang magulo ang buhok, lukot ang puting tshirt, tila wala sa sarili.

“Are you drunk?”

Nataranta siya at hindi nakasagot. Tumalikod ito at nagtungo sa center table sa sala, my lips parted when I saw bottles of beer. I did not know he used to drink. Three years and I haven’t seen him wasted.

Ibinaba ko ang supot na hawak at dinaluhan siya. I stopped him from cleaning the bottles through reaching for his hand. I looked at him diretcly into his eyes.

“May problema ba?”

He managed to smile and shook his head. “Wala ‘to, Tal. I just craved for some...”

“Cravings? Beer?” I echoed. “Gani, kung may bumabagabag sa ‘yo, I’m here. I’m here to listen. Hindi mo kailangang solohin dahil problema natin ‘yan—”

“Okay lang ako.” Mabilis niyang sabi. Bumuntong hininga siya at lumamlam ang mga mata nang makitang natigilan ako sa bahagyang pagtaas ng boses niya. “I’m fine, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Naiwan sa ere ang kamay ko nang kumalas siya. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang pagliligpit ng pinag-inuman habang pinanonood ko lang siya nang tahimik. I sighed. I knew, something is bugging him, but Isagani being Isagani who likes to keep things only to himself. Fine, iintindihin ko na lang muna.

Galing kusina ay dumiretso siya sa akin. Sinalubong niya ako ng yakap at halik sa tuktok.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He whispered. “I’m just tired and my head is aching so bad. Sorry, hindi kita maihahatid. Stay here as long as you want, ingat kung uuwi ka na. Pasensiya na ulit.”

Tumalikod na siya’t naglakad papasok sa kuwarto. I bit my lower lip, stopping myself from crying. Okay kami, pagod lang siya.

I left the house after cleaning some of his things. I washed the dishes, swung the floor, collected his dirty clothes to put it in a basket, and cooked lunch for him later. Nag-iwan na rin ako ng gamot. Tulog siya nang silipin ko bago ako umalis kaya hindi na ako nagpaalam.

To: Gani
I’m home. eat lunch, drink the meds, and take a rest again. love you

I did my homework after that. I did not tell Mommy what happened. Everything is fine between us. Besides, matanda na rin ako, kaya naman naisip ko ring limitahan na ang pagkukuwento. May mga bagay na hindi na kailangang isiwalat sa kahit sa pinakapinagkakatiwalaan mong tao.

“Tal...”

“Gani,” I smiled a little and embraced him.

I felt so drained lately. Pakiramdam ko ay may mali sa mga tao sa paligid ko kaya nadadamay ang enerhiya ko. Tiffany is always zooning out, not the usual, parang ang dami niyang iniisip. The last time, I heard Mommy and Daddy arguing once again. Ngayon naman ay nanlalamig si Isagani bigla, akala niya siguro ay hindi ko napapansin dahil hindi ako nagsasalita.

“Pagod?”

I nodded my head, burrying it more into his chest. It feels so heavy, and all I wanted is to gain my energy back in a peaceful place. Isagani caressed my back softly, comforting me. I closed my eyes.

I wanted to talk to him. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit bihira niya akong imikan, lapitan, at samahan. Gusto kong malaman kung anong bumabagabag sa kaniya at naaapektuhan ang relasyon namin. Gusto kong malaman kung ayos lang ba kami, kung may problema ba kami, pero natatakot ako sa magiging sagot niya. I don’t know how I will respond. I don’t know how I will make actions for that. Now, I understand the reality of being in a relationship.