Tila Tala

XXII

To: Gani
magkita tayo bukas.

From: Gani
Not tomorrow, love. Christmas party bukas, enjoy the day first.

To: Gani
it’s now or never. you choose.

From: Gani
Tal naman...

It’s heart warming that he still cares after all. Pakiramdam ko ay may pakialam pa rin siya, na mahal niya talaga ako. He made me feel loved. He made me discover my own definition of love. Yet he is still the one who lent me questioning what love is once again. Ito ba ang pagmamahal na kinababaliwan ng lahat? Nakakasakit?

“Dinner...”

Inilapag ni Mommy ang tray na may lamang hapunan ko sa bedside table. Hindi ako bumaba kanina noong tawagin nila ako kaya niya ako dinalhan ngayon dito sa kuwarto. Wala lang akong gana. I don’t feel like being the old Tala, carefree, unbothered, and always looking at the bright side. Lanta ang buong pagkatao ko sa ngayon.

“Anak, I know you’re not okay... but please, maging matatag ka. This is not the only trial you’re going to face. Marami pang problema ang huhubog sa ‘yo, Tal. I want you to learn to be in control in any situation, not to be unstable and vulnerable.”

“No one is stopping you from being weak sometimes. Kailangan ng lahat ‘yon in order to survive and not to let their feelings be onhold and explode. But don’t just keep your foot on that ground, stand up and step up. Be brave.”

I ended up crying in Mommy’s arms. I did not cry after that night, naipon na naman sa loob ko ang lahat ng mga iniisip nitong mga nakaraang araw. I at least have Mommy to lean on.

“Tal... I’m going with your Dad... pupuntahan namin sina Thel at Daniel.” Paalam ni Mommy, nasa likod niya si Daddy sa pagpasok sa kuwarto ko.

Walang gana akong nag-aayos para sa pagpasok nang madatnan nila.

I nodded. “Mag-uusap din po kami ni Isagani mamaya.”

“Take care. Choose what your heart desires. Don’t let your emotions rule over your heart and mind.” Daddy remarked.

I kissed them on their cheek before I opened the door of the car. Inihatid nila ako bago dumiretso sa Tagaytay.

My first class is at ten. I told him to meet me at eight in the school’s garden. I really wanted to talk to him. I do not care what is going to happen. Kung hindi ako makapag-take ng exam, okay lang. Kung makita nila akong umiiyak at nakikipagsagutan, okay lang. Kung ngayon na kami natatapos ni Isagani... okay lang.

“I missed you...”

Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan nang mabilis niya akong naikulong sa kaniyang mga bisig. Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng oras na umalma dahil sa higpit ng yakap niya. I wanted to cry feeling him again right now. I wanted him to know that I missed him too, but I should not let my emotions slide and flee.

Saksi ako sa palaging pagdaan ng sakit sa mga mata ni Isagani tuwing magsasalubong kami pero parang walang pinagsamahan kung hindi magkibuan. I knew he wanted to come near me, to hug me, to talk to me, but he is trying his best to obey what I commanded him. Bawal lumapit, bawal mag-usap hangga’t hindi ko sinasabi. Naiintindihan niya, iniintindi niya. I’m glad he still can, kung hindi ay lalo lang akong guguho.

Kayang kong gawin sa kaniya... pero hindi niya kayang gawin sa akin?

“Gani...” I uttered his name out.

“Tal, please... h-huwag... huwag naman ganito...” He even has to clear his throat for his voice not to crack while talking.

“I love you.” I whispered.

His chest is moving including his shoulders. Later on, I heard his silent sobs.

“I-I love you... I love you more than I love her. I don’t want to lose you more than I don’t want to lose her. I want you back more than I want her to be alive again.”

I scoffed and broke the hug. Tila nagulat siya sa pagpiglas ko. His eyes are very innocent, nakakatakot siyang saktan. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil pinangungunahan na naman ako ng emosyon.

“How could you say that...” Mahinang tanong ko. “You’re comparing us, Isagani. That is how you love? Magsusukatan na lang ba tayo rito? Kung gaano mo ‘kong kamahal na mas matimbang kaysa sa kaniya?” Hindi makapaniwalang usal ko.

Alam kong hindi ganoon ang gusto niyang iparating. He wants me to know that he is choosing me. Na mas matimbang ang pagmamahal niya sa akin kaysa kay Amora. Pero hindi ganoong bagay ang gusto kong marinig, lalo pa’t mula sa kaniya. He is comparing the love he has for my sister and I. And in any way, that doesn’t sound right for me.

“Hindi ‘yon ang gusto ko. I don’t want to hear ‘more than’ or ‘much better’, Gani. Ang gusto kong marinig ay ang totoo. Answer me yes or no, Isagani,”

Naalarma siya dahil may kutob na siya sa mga gusto kong malaman at itanong. Isagani reached for my hand. He is holding me like I am the most fragile thing in the world, Isagani is too gentle and soft for me. 

“L-Let’s talk calmly, baby. Please. Ipapaliwanag ko lahat, aaminin ko ang totoo. I do not have the right to demand, but I hope you’ll give me this chance.”

I heaved a sigh. Sumuko ako’t naupo sa isang upuang gawa sa kahoy.

“Don’t ameknit light, Gani. Tell me what you feel about her, everything about her. Don’t be afraid expressing the love you had for my sister.”

Mabagal na lumapat sa akin ang kaniyang mga mata. Pinalis niya ang luha at tumango. I know, this is also hard for him. Bringing the dark past, even how many years had passed, doesn’t always make the pain lighter and easier to handle. Some wounds still hurt, not physically, but emotionally.

“I loved your twin sister.” He started. Iyon pa lang ay talo na ako.

“I loved her truly and gave her my youth. Ipinaubaya ko sa kaniya ang lahat... ang kaligayahan ko, ang mga desisyon ko sa buhay, ang puso ko. She’s just a best friend... pero hindi siya basta kaibigan lang para sa akin.” He smiled.

They never became official. Natalo na si Isagani bago pa man niya maipahayag ang nararamdaman para kay Amora.

“I am always asking myself... who would I be if I had never been loved by her?”

I feel so small. He adored and honored her so much. Tila ba utang niya ang buhay na mayroon siya ngayon sa babae. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi, hindi ko sigurado pero ang Isagani na nabasa ko sa libro noong hindi pa niya nakikilala si Amora ay ibang-iba sa Isagani na narito sa totoong mundo kung saan nagkakilala na sila.

“I will never be this Isagani if I haven’t met her, you know... She never admitted that she loves me romantically, but she was vocal that I am important to her. Tala Amora gave me the love that is freeing... natagalan man akong makawala, pero alam kong alpas na ako. Laya na sa pagmamahal ko sa kaniya na ikinulong ko ng ilang taon.”

My heart and mind still cannot accept his love after knowing it all. I cannot trust his words. I am like my sister, of course, he cannot deny the fact that he still sees her in me. The love he has for his first love is unreachable, even I, her carbon copy, kahit gaano kaming magkapareha... ibang-iba pa rin si Tala Amora kay Tala Amore.

He was my twin sister’s first love, I know. And as a respect, I should not love him. He has never been mine, because Isagani’s heart always belongs to his first and only love. Kahit pagbali-baligtarin pa ang mundo, kahit maging magkakamukha pa ang lahat ng tao, alam ni Isagani ang daan patungo sa tunay niyang minamahal. At hindi sa akin iyon.

A broken man knows how to love, but not who to love. Sa paningin ko, kailanman ay hindi kami magiging talo.

I tried to show him my most genuine smile before my world successfully crumbled because of too much pain.

Sometimes, the cruelest act of love is learning how to let go, to set free the echoes of a love story that never meet each other at the same time. Letting go of what was never mine, I discover a sorrowful sense of freedom from the chains of a love that never belonged to me and was never destined to be mine.

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