Tila Tala

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We went to Cafe Yama for a Japan-like experience. The food tasted good and the ambience was indeed helping as if we were really in Japan.

“Sushi?” Alok niya pero bago pa ako makasagot ay nailagay na niya sa plato ko.

“Kainis ka. Sirang-sira healthy diet ko ngayon.” I pouted. “But I enjoyed it... so, thanks a lot, Gani.”

Umiling siya na may maliit na ngiti sa labi. “Not yet done. May pupuntahan pa tayo.”

At last, we dropped by at Tagaytay Picnic Grove. It was so exhausting at first because of the way to get here. So many stairs, a very long way!

“I was here...” He whispered that made me face him. “I was here the whole week when I was gone in Manila.” He confessed.

“Umuwi ako... dahil pakiramdam ko, narito ang diwa ng kaarawan ko. Well, I was born here. Simula una hanggang ika-labing walong kaarawan ko ay narito ako. Not really celebrating, but at least, meeting it here.”

“I’m sorry kung wala akong paramdam. I don’t really feel the spirit of birthdays these past three years, but I am home. Hindi man masayang ipagdiwang, ang mahalaga ay nasa tahanan ko ako.”

Home. Not just the place where we live. Home is where you can find peace, comfort, and the safest space in the middle of chaos. Home is where you can feel that you are accepted and loved. Home feels like the soft clouds you can see in the sky, the bright stars that shine to you every time, the calm sea that makes you feel safe sailing, the jungle wherein animals are your guide.

I don’t understand... what makes Isagani still feel Tagaytay is his home. Siguro dahil ang alam ko lang sa kuwento ay hindi sila sundo ng mga magulang niya.  But I don’t know all the beautiful sides of his life. I wanted to... but I don’t feel like I have the courage to ask once more.

“Hmm, bakit malungkot?”

I chuckled lowly. “Pagod lang...”

Umupo siya sa tabi ko. He tapped his shoulder, telling me to rest my head onto it. I looked at his shoulder before looking at him in his eyes. If there is something he cannot hide, it is the feelings his eyes are expressing. I hope I am not wrong concluding it is love and care he is showing.

Isagani smiled lightly, malakas na tumibok ang puso ko. Pinutol ko ang tingin sa pamamagitan ng pagpapahinga sa balikat niya.

“I can hear it... calm down, Tal...” He chuckled.

The day ended that way. I love it when I am having time with Isagani. He feels comfort, so gentle, so calm.

“Thanks, Gani.” Tinanguan niya lang ako at bumusina bago umalis.

Nagdaan ang mga araw na ganoon kami. It was like a never ending scene that I wouldn’t wish to end. Having isagani is such a blessing. Like how everyone describes him, a one call away best friend. Someone who can understand your views and points. Kahit na minsa’y mali ang nararamdaman mo, he will never let you feel what you are feeling is invalid.

“Nagtalo kami ni Tiffany...” I confessed. “I saw her dealing with the same guy again. They were talking... as if nothing happened. Parang hindi siya nasaktan ng sobra sa nagawa ng lalaking iyon sa kaniya.”

I sighed. “I am just concerned, okay? I knew I was wrong when I raised my voice towards her. I knew I was wrong in meddling in her life and decisions.”

I am just a friend. I have no rights to dictate her, but I am here as a concerned one. Nag-aalala ako sa maaaring mangyari. I have no bad intentions. I want her to be treated and loved right because she deserves it.

“I can’t blame you.” He said. “You are her best friend. Of course, you are concerned. I understand, you just don’t want her to get hurt again. I get it, hindi mo lang nakontrol ang emosyon mo pero mabuti ang intensyon mo.”

Lalo akong napasimangot. “Stop validating my wrong deeds, Gani. Alam kong may mali ako.”

“Try to fit her shoe.”

I shook my head. “I won’t understand... I... never been in love. Hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam kaya siguro hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko alam kung anong kayang gawin ng mga tao para sa pag-ibig.”

It’s scary how people who are in love are so willing to take their loved ones back even if it will just cost them another pain. It’s scary that people can do everything for love. Is that what really love is?

Tiffany ignored me a lot of times whenever I was trying to approach her. But at the end of the day, we are best friends. Nagkaayos kami’t nagkausap ng masinsinan. She told me how she loves that guy, and I tried to understand. Kahit bawal, kahit hindi na puwede, basta mahal mo... itutuloy mo pa rin. Another theory of what love is.

May 3, the first time I heard my parents arguing with an unclear reason, at least for me.

“Therine...” Daddy plead. “Therine, it’s fucking twenty years now!”

Bahagya kong itinulak ang pinto ng kuwarto ko, nag-iwan lang ako ng maliit na siwang para marinig ang pinagtatalunan nila. I can’t see them. But they were both pleading in an opposite way, and it confused me a lot why.

“P-Punta tayo, Marcus... please...” I know she’s not crying, but there is a hint of so much sadness and longingness in her voice. For what? For whom?

Daddy released a sigh. “Let’s... let’s just all move on from the past and celebrate Tala’s twentieth.”

It’s my twentieth... but this morning of my birthday feels different. They’re... arguing about something. How can I even celebrate knowing that they weren’t good?

I gasped when I heard Mommy’s sobs. “Tala... m-my Tala Amo—”

“Therine!” Daddy roared.

It’s everything’s first time in this argument. The first time I heard Daddy’s mad voice, the first time I heard Mommy cry because of an argument, the first time seeing them broke together.

Mommy scoffed. “Marcus, ano ba?! Ako na lang ba ang nakaaalala?! Ako na lang ba ngayon nagpapakamagu—”

“I never said that! Hindi porke pinili kong umusad ay pinili ko na ring makalimot! Therine naman... intindihin mo rin naman ako...”

That’s it. I closed the door. Hindi ko namalayang lumuluha na pala ako habang pinakikinggan silang magtalo kahit na wala akong maintindihan. Bumalik ako sa kama at nagtalukbong ng kumot, letting my tears come out, and pulling myself back to sleep.

I woke up at eight. The surroundings were silent. I cannot even hear a bird chirping or a dog barking. I looked at myself in the mirror, my puffy eyes weren’t that visible, though. Nag-ayos ako ng sarili bago bumaba kahit pakiramdam ko’y nanlulumo pa rin ako sa nasaksihan kaninang madaling araw. I have no energy on the day of my birthday at all.

“Happy birthday to you,” Daddy sang a happy birthday for me, holding a cake that probably Mommy baked, as if nothing happened earlier. What a great pretender. “Happy birthday, Tala, my love...” He hugged and kissed my temple.

“Si Mommy po?”

“She’s... out.” He answered, hesitating. “She told me she’s fixing something for today’s event. Don’t worry, uuwi rin ‘yon agad.” He forced a smile and hugged me tighter.

I just nodded, not convinced. I hope she’s okay, she’s not crying, and not so hurt. But she’s probably not feeling one of those. I want to run towards Mommy and hug her tight. Kung ano man ang problema o pinagdadanan nilang mag-asawa, I hope they could still fix the pieces.

I am not expecting anything now. Days ago, they asked me how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I answered, just with them, if possible, also with my grandparents.

Tala
morning, pogi

busy today?

I want to see Isagani. Maybe he can help me ease my feelings. Maybe he can help me refresh my thoughts. But history repeats itself, he didn’t reply. I waited. I really want to talk to Isagani and share what I have in mind with him, because I know, he will understand... he always understands.

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