Barracks (War of Hearts)

46- Stares

The idea clings to my mind, Blake's suggestion a tantalizing thread. Even if he mocks, my heart leaps at the prospect. If time and circumstance allow, I'd surrender without protest. But Xavier? The confusion is clear—a tangle of emotions. I cannot envision a future without Aldaire; that much is certain. He's difficult, yet his honesty shines through. His jealousy this afternoon was a silent confession, love held back by fear. But it's there—an anchor of hope.

Morning light caresses my face, awakening me. Today marks my departure from this place. Himley fetches me for breakfast, and our meal is awkwardly intimate.

Xavier joins us, his silence palpable as he leads me to a chamber. 

"What do you wish to discuss?" I ask, curiosity warring with nervous anticipation. Guilt and heartbreak tug at my insides.

Xavier's forehead creases, and he massages his temple in a circular motion. The silence stretches, unbearable yet unyielding. I wait, my gaze averted, unwilling to meet his eyes. That familiar feeling—the one that drives me mad—resurfaces. My heart leaps, but it isn't Xavier my body and soul crave. And for that, I am guilty.

"I've done it once," Xavier begins, his voice dry. "I won't repeat history, Lady Leizabeth." Confusion clouds my expression. "Years ago, Aldaire and I fought for the same woman's heart. It didn't end well. One of us is destined to lose, and I sacrificed my heart once. It cost me dearly. It's not that I lack the will to fight. A true warrior knows when a battle is lost and accepts it with pride. You'll always hold a special place in my heart."

His words hang between us, and Xavier remains stiff, black eyes locking onto mine. It's the first time I've seen him like this, I hear my heart break. I've lost him, yet acceptance is a bitter pill to swallow. 

"Why the change of mind?" my voice threatens to break but I swallow back the lump that forms.

"I see the way you look at him," Xavier begins, his gaze unwavering. "You might not have accepted it, but I see the confusion in your eyes. We share an attraction, but nothing as potent as what you two have. I don't understand why, and I don't want to. It takes me back to our teenage years—the ache that gnawed at my heart. You remind me so much of her, and I find myself drawn to you. Yet, it fills me with guilt. I can't do that to you, nor can I do it to myself." Silence settles, and he swallows before continuing. "I came to you last night. You were calling his name."

I stiffen, quickly recovering and stepping behind the golden sofa to hide my pale expression.

Changing the topic becomes my escape from mortification. I know this truth, but hearing it from him makes it true. "Cecile was the girl you spoke about?" I ask, my throat tightening. I can't explain her connection to me, and he deserves the whole truth. But some secrets are better to remain locked away—for his sake and mine. 

He nods in confirmation, and I sit on the bed, putting distance between us, surrendering to destiny.

"You saying it first makes it easier," I admit, my gaze locking onto his tortured eyes. "I don't think I love him... but as you say, I don't even know what I truly feel." The words hang between us, a fragile confession. "I couldn't walk away from you, even if I wanted to. This is..." There's no word to encapsulate the turmoil within me. It hurts, making each breath harder.

"Can I know one last thing?" I ask.

His promise lingers, and I realize he doesn't want to leave. I can't fault him; I don't want him to go either. Seeing beyond this moment, knowing he chose not to be there—it's selfish, perhaps, but he has been my pillar of strength. How will I survive without him? 

"Do you mean what you said to me the other day?" 

He nods. "I'll protect you and be there for you always, even if you don't see me," Xavier replies. "I'll just not approach you with the same intentions. My words remain."