The inner workings of my mind

little girls grow up

copyright2024

The stars in the sky seem to become a memory to me almost as if I was out of hope. 

But the light that turns on and off in my head remembers them all with every memory intact like some sort of superpower. Only problem is that I can't seem to find the switch. 

I feel like the little girl I once was would be ashamed of me and all the things I wanted to accomplish but haven't. 

Is it wrong for me to feel like a complete failure and unable to look my younger self in the eyes to apologize?

The older I got the crueler the world seem to become, from having my mind and body destroyed, to not knowing where to go in love and life in general.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change everything to prepare myself more for the future or at the very least stop myself from having to live with my past trauma.

My heart breaks thinking of how naive I actually was.

A little girl filled with stars in her eyes of all the things she would do to change the world and the goals she set have crashed and burned.

From someone who swore they would never drink or smoke to it becoming a weekly occurrence

A child so full of love to an exhausted and confused adult struggling to survive on a daily basis.

A child not completely broken and managed to maintain hope even through all the pain she endured to a fragile adult with intense trust issues and more mental health problems than she anticipated.  

A shy and timid girl to a ticking time bomb than no one can diffuse. 

Is it really my fault that I can't seem to get anything right? 

And why does it feel like I'm constantly running in place to keep myself from losing my shit which isn't fucking working by the way.

I'm so sorry to my younger self that believed everyone had good in them, maybe if I didn't then life wouldn't have crushed my stars and turned the sky, I look at now into emptiness.

The light I once had in my eyes is gone and I can't completely explain why without breaking down in tears. 

 I would tell her that not everyone loves you and they don't deserve what you have to offer. To put it simply they can't all be trusted, and you have to know when to stop trying and let it go. 

Fighting for something that the other person doesn't seem so interested in keeping is a waste of time and only causes you to have more pain and a deeper gash in your once solid gold heart with icy hands. they're warm all the time now complimented with sad hopeless eyes that have no need to shine even with someone she loves. 

Because they always leave and that little girl that fell in love and had her heartbroken grew up into an adult who hates life more and more as the years go by

I'm sorry to myself

~ ARRI ~