The inner workings of my mind

A haunted state of mind

I've re-entered a state of insecurity once again

Wanting to cry as the image in the mirror only shows my imperfections that I wish to change

And yes I've told myself multiple times that I am beautiful
But my brains a bitch

It tells me that I should resort back to old habits of starving in secret but denying food publicly

Running until I can't feel the bottoms of my feet

Doing sit-ups and every other exercise to make my ribs visible again

And no I have managed to push it all away

But this time it's different

Because after replacing the starving with stress eating my insecurities push up to the top of a filled glass

Similar to the ones I would chug in replace of food

I contradicted one for the other and continue to go back and forth between the two

My body is broken and unsightly to others in my mind

So when he touches me I can only wonder if he cares or noticed my weight fluctuating and opposed to address the situation

.....or does he know my response already

Do he suspect that my weight is due to the minuscule amount of working out I endure

And how can I explain that although exercise is healthy it is also deadly to me

What should I say to get him to understand that nothing you did or said caused me to feel the way that I do

Good has become a happy place that my mind now wishes to see dead

- ARRI-