Traces Of The Past - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. III

June.4.22/I Wish I Hated You

Shawn's POV

June 4, 2022

- Don't freak out. Just go there and everything will be fine. Remember, it's not the first time you guys are going to coincide in one place, bro.

My best friend tells me what couldn't be more obvious as I stare earnestly at him through my phone. I roll my eyes, laying back on the couch, wishing this would go by faster so I could start forgetting about it as soon as it's over.

Sure, if only it were true....

No matter how hard I try to divert my thoughts to positive things like my upcoming tour, how well received my latest interviews have been, and the song I've released, and the movie I'm working on.... I keep looking forward to telling her all that and seeing her beautiful smile, so proud of me and supporting me in every step I take. Not that my family and friends don't, but with her it was totally different. There are things I go through that only she could relate to and that's something not just anyone can replace. It's hard. After seven months... it's still hard.

- And now I've lost you again.... - I hear him snort and I sigh boredly, mentally counting on my watch the minutes until Andrew picks me up.

- I'm here, I'm here. Are you sure you're coming tonight, worm?

- Yeah, I promised you, buddy. - He laughs, doing his silly dance that somehow makes me smile a little. - But seriously, we need to talk.

- Huh? - I'm intrigued, sitting up straight to pay attention to him.

- You didn't include me in the early flight. How dare you? I wanted to enjoy the whole show, not just through your stupid essays.

- Hey, at least my essays are shorter than my sister's....

- Yeah, that's a fact... - He laughs along with me, knowing full well that I'm referring to the day she caught us in a long monologue about how her boyfriend didn't buy her a necklace she wanted as if it was an obligation.

The number of similar gifts I gave her.... I wonder if she's thrown them away by now, because, instead, I haven't had the courage to do the same. My ring is still attached to my finger like a lifeline, and will probably stay close to me until I cease to exist on this earthly plane.

I really didn't mean to fuck things up, but, once again, I did. And I deserve every bit of pain I'm trying to hide from everyone until the sun shines on me at some point.

How pathetic of me...

- Yep - Brian nods, confirming what I just said out loud without being aware of it. - You can run away if you want.

- Don't you think that was my first choice? I can't say no to Andrew, bro. I'm sick of fighting him.

- Well, at least you're going to sing live again, doesn't that cheer you up?

The image of her comes to my tumultuous mind, in happier times, singing together on stage, lost in each other's eyes...

- No, I would certainly skip this performance if I could. - I murmur to him, who watches me somewhat disappointed and worried at the same time. - I'll be fine.

- Uh-huh...

He doesn't get to say another word because suddenly the door to my suite opens, revealing some of my team in a line to get me ready for the public. I only say thank you when necessary, but other than that I'm drained inside.

On my way to the Wango Tango, I suffer every second I approach the venue, the people who sometimes wait to judge me, my fellow artists I know, and of course her. I can't even think of her name for my own sake, though that only helps to make me feel twice as bad.