Melting of a frozen heart

Chapter 18

The buzz of florescent lights is the only sound my ears can register. The words people have spoken to me haven't be clear enough for me to understand. Everything is fuzzy, and it feels like my skull has a cloud trapped in it.

I don't know how long I have been in this hospital bed, but it's been long enough to have been poked, and prodded for any testing they thought was fit. They were aware that I wasn't bitten during my time around the snakes, but a rash has developed on the arm, and ankle the snake was wrapped around. I can feel the slight itch, and I wish the scratch the skin until I feel the relief I crave. But I can't bring myself to move.

I know the people working around me must find me dull, but I feel dull. I just went through weeks of discomfort only to be put into an arena, where I was forced to play God, and take away the lives of the innocent. Or the lives of those who used to be innocent. The second you step into that arena any remaining shreds of innocence are stripped away from you. 

It's like you lose all humanity the first time someone comes at you, threatening to take away your life. Your true instincts kick in, and you end up fighting back. Yelling at death to not take you away from this world, and to spare you from your cruel fate. It always ends in death, and if you are the unlucky one, the blood is on your hands.

Being in the arena changes every fiber of your being. What you once thought was important, flies out the door when the sticky crimson liquid first coats your hands. From then on all you can think of is how to fight for yourself, even if it means ending the lives of everyone around you. You become the predator.

Maybe the capitol was right. Maybe we are all just animals.

I sure feel like one right now. With people watching me like I am going to bite. The hesitant steps I can barely register when someone decides to check my vitals. I mean I was even stuck in a cage for a couple of weeks there.

They have turned me into an animal. A cruel, and awful animal. I lost all of my humanity, and didn't stop to think about how this will impact my future. Now I get to life with the guilt. The pain, and anguish caused by my time in the arena. I get to live out the rest of my days with the torture of knowing that I don't deserve to have a beating heart. 

I wonder if my family will be okay living under the same roof as a monster. Will my dad still be happy to see his little girl come back home, or will he be disgusted by who she has become? I wonder if my brother will be happy to see the only person who understands him, or if he will move on from me.

I just want to know if they will still love me. 

I feel alone again. I feel alone in a way I only felt when I lost my mom. Cold, and numb. Feeling like all of the warmth has been sucked out of the world, and I am the only person who can feel it. Living life with a permanent chill that always follows you. Giving you an eerie sense that death might just be waiting around the corner. Leaving you frightened, and alone.

I always thought it was going to be stuck with me forever. I mean I have had times where it left me behind, and I felt the light of life again. But with the horrors I have caused, it came back. As a reminder of deaths loving presence in my life. And to tease me with the relief it might cause. An ending to my sufferings.

There is a kind of cold I have grown to know that has brought comfort. A physical coldness, that contrasts well with my surplus of body heat. It's the kind of cold that brings relief on a warm summers day. One that you wish to embrace, and melt within it's grasp. It's addicting really, but one I haven't felt since before I changed.

Treech is only one who can bring comfort in the cold. And I don't think I will ever feel that again. I have been in this room for hours, I presume, and not once has he made an appearance. Well I haven't been in a head space where I can decipher who is around me. But I know in my heart that if he were here I would know. The part of my soul that I find tethered to him would inform me of his presence.