Melting of a frozen heart

Chapter 21

Restless sleep has become a frequent part of my life. Waking up at ungodly hours drenched in a cold sweat, frantically checking the room for danger. All while an axe is gripped in my hands, cause I can't seem to relax if there isn't a weapon of some sorts within arms reach. That is my new familiar.

Nightmares are an every night occurrence now a days. I go to bed exhausted, but scared to close my eyes. Knowing that I am going to see the horrors I have witnessed again. So I spend an exaggerated amount of time staring at the ceiling, not daring to shut my eyes until I can't seem to keep them open. Then the flashbacks start, and I end up staring at that damn ceiling again.

I'm really just tired. I can't sleep properly, and I don't feel like I can function anymore. I mean sure I can still do my job just fine, but what happens behind closed doors is a whole other story. Well when I say I can do it "just fine", I mean I can do it. It's just unpleasant.

Often times when I bring down my axe I'll get a glimpse of brown hair that makes me pause. I'll back up a second as a quiet song visits my brain, ensuring that I don't forget about my last victim. I have to take a second to regulate my breathing, and tell myself that she isn't there. That is until I get yelled at to get back to work.

I'm worrying Lamina. Since we work in her fathers yard, she is aloud to work right beside me. She constantly asks me how I am, and I just brush her off saying that everything is fine. Even though we both know that isn't true. She'll let the subject go, but that doesn't mean I don't feel her watchful eyes on me.

Ever since I got back Lamina has been by my side as much as she can. She is adamant about making sure that I will be supported through these times. I haven't told her about what I went through yet, but she knows me well enough to know that I won't ever speak of it. She doesn't understand, and I wouldn't wish to burden her with my pains. Treech would understand though. Not that I care.

He isn't a part of my life any more, so I don't know why my brain brings me back to him so often. I hate to admit it, but I got attached. I was a fool and let myself be drawn to his magnetic nature. Now I am paying the price for that. Maybe this is my punishment. I shouldn't have fought so hard for my life. A life that I am starting to question if it's worth living. I'm not suicidal, but being in the arena has made me question if any of this was worth it.

He would try to tell me other wise. I think. I mean he did beg me to win, so he could see me again. But I haven't seen him since my outburst at the arena, and he's engaged now so it doesn't really matter. Ugh that blonde bitch. The thought of her leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. Why the hell am I so jealous of her? 

I would actually rather shove a peacekeepers gun up my ass then fire, than ever be a capitol princess. But seeing her so close to Treech makes me wish it weren't her who gets to grow close to him over the years. I don't want to be a worshiped capitol duo, just something sweet. Something domestic. 

But that won't ever happen. I am simply caught in the delusion that he cares for me. But every time I try to convince myself that I just got used, so he could get money, I feel as if that is false. Like my body is physically rejecting the information. Not letting me see the truth for how it really is.

But none of this matters right now. I have to go to work. One of the benefits of constant night terrors are the fact that am easily up, and out the door in the mornings. I have the early shift, so being awake when the sun hasn't even risen is a normal for me. Or it was a normal for a while.

I slowly swing my legs off my bed, and set my axe down on the floor then stand. I bring myself over to where I have set out my clothes, and dress into them. Then I sit on my bed so I can lace up my boots. They look fairly nice after the capitol nurse, or whomever, polished them. That's one nice thing I guess.