The Hermitcraft Plays

8: screw Joe

This book is slowly turning into Hermit Children with the amount I publish chapters.

Which is weird because it's very fun to write.

Like Hermit Children.

'It didn't look this bad yesterday,' was the best thing anyone, namely xB, could say upon arriving at the crater that was all that remained of their staging area.

'You also died in 5 seconds,' Beef rebuked.

'Well then...' Joe, clearly trying to sound positive. 'As this incident has incidentally intersected with Xisuma's instruction for me to give insight into the proper stage... I need to focus on them, instead of rehearsals.'

'Oh, FINALLY!' Grian exclaimed.

'What a relief...' murmured Scar.

'Let's go!' Hypno cheered.

'What?! No!' Ren was barely heard to say through the general delight. 'Really?'

'I know, so sad. But I've compiled a full schedule of stuff to do, and we'll resume proper rehearsals on a proper stage... Martyn, I don't trust you, but you're the closest thing to proper authority we have.' Joe gave Martyn an incredibly long sheet of paper. 'And all the stuff here is about the songs. This is your chance to start getting the songs and choreography perfect. I assume everything's planned?'

'Uhh...' Martyn glanced down at his messy notebook. 'Yes?'

'Perfect! Well, I'll see you whenever this is sorted.'

Joe flew away, not allowing himself a glance back or a chance to change his mind.

'Right then, as the second director of the Hermit musical, I declare we screw Joe and get the day completely off and I can take the blame if Joe realises,' Grian took over immediately by declaring. 'If you want to practice choreography, that's up to you, but...'

'Oh! I need to practice my bit for Cub is the Best! Cu-ub you are the be-e-EEEST!' Scar jumped wildly to one side. 'Yoo-oou are amazing, you are the greEaAAteST hEErmItT!' As Scar invented an entire song, he invented the dance routine, a mess of kicks and spins and flailing arms. 'I lOoOVe yOoUOuUU-AAH!'

Scar, attempting another spin, tripped and fell straight into the crater. For a moment there was silence.

'Scar?' Cub was first to speak. 'Everything ok in there?'

'I'm fine!'

'Alright!'

'I've got legs still! Don't worry!' Scar's head appeared, dusty hair sticking up at every angle, before he crawled from the crater. 'Phew, that was quite the dance!'

'Yup...' Tango, who had been secretly filming, agreed. 'It certainly was...'

'Anyone want to join me in doing it again? Wait- why are you laughing?'

Impulse looked up from the gif Tango had quickly made of Scar's dancing and posted to everyone.

'It- it wasn't that bad, right? Cub? Grian?'

'I think they're laughing at you falling into the hole?' He lied, stifling his own giggle at the video. Skizz was less lucky, bursting out laughing. And Impulse next to him. And Stress, giggling to herself.

'But... But my dance was alright? I know it looked terrible... I tried my best...'

'It's wasn't that bad,' Cub tried to placate his friend by saying.

'I'd been practicing...'

'Oh Scar...' Grian couldn't hide his second-hand embarrassment any further. 'Buddy...'

'And you were practicing to... That tune and lyrics?' Cleo grimaced. Scar turned bright pink. 'You do realise that's nothing like the actual song?'

'Or... dance.' added Bdubs.

'...Oh.'

'Ok, screw Joe, I have a better idea,' Martyn said. 'I've read this, and quite frankly, it's all s***. So we'll practice singing and dancing, as Joe said, Martyn style!'

'Ohhh yeah! I love it Marty style!' Oli agreed.

'Thank you! But, while I touch up the lyrics of some of the later songs, we can have a bit of fun. I want everyone, individually or in groups, to find and learn a song, with a dance, that matches their character. I've messaged Doc and he's agreed to keep Joe busy with the set for as long as they can. So tomorrow we can run those and after that we can use some of that choreography you make and work it into the real songs. Ok?'

'That sounds so fun!' Ren was first to accept it.

'Sign me UP, dude!' Skizz, similarly excited, said. It wasn't long before the Hermits were running around, discussing ideas with their fellow characters.

'Scar? You alright, man?' Cub nudged Scar, enough for his friend to look up, faking a smile.

'What, oh I'm fine! I'm fine! What did Martyn want us to do?' 

'Pick a song for our characters, make a dance, and learn it for tomorrow.'

'Oh! Ok! Can we do it together?'

'Sure! What song?'

'Hey guys! Can we do a protagonists song?' Gem asked as she approached.

'Of course! Of course! Join right in! Me and Cub were just about to pick something!'

Across the area, other groups were doing similar. Team ZITs were listening to various Disney songs with Etho, and for every single one saying 'oh, that's great! That would be awesome! Yeah, lets do that!' The group of prisoners - Cleo, False, Stress, Keralis and sometimes Bdubs when he wasn't also part of Ren's song - had a different problem. Cleo and False were arguing about whether Ex-Wives or Cellblock Tango was easier to sing with 5 instead of 6 people, while Keralis and Stress were already making their own lyrics up for the latter. Joel had already found a song about being tall, sexy, strong and sexy and was trying to learn it. xB, Hypno and Beef were laughing their way through initial actions for 'that narrator song at the start of Hercules', with Wels regularly chipping in with a joke or suggestion. The only person who appeared unable to find a song was Pearl, who appeared in 1 scene and had mostly sung lines.

'Nope, that sounds wrong...' she muttered as she played the first 5 seconds of 'Be a Man' from Mulan. Team ZITS hastily added it to their growing list of options. 'Or...'

'Pearl! Do you want to be in our group?' Cleo called over.

'What? I'm don't have one of your roles though? Surely Joe-'

'Screw Joe. You're alone, we need a 6th person, come on!'

'Alright then!' Pearl ran over.

'Right! If you've decided your song, tell us and then bugger off to find somewhere to learn it!' Martyn called. 

'My poor keyboard won't cope with too much improvisation!' Oli added, to an immediate queue of people. Skizz was sent off with a list of about 50 songs and told to 'just pick the best one!' And while Gem was queuing, Cub confronted the suspiciously quiet Scar.

'Scar? Is everything ok? You seem off,'

'What gave you that idea?' Scar gave a fake laugh. Cub crossed his arms. 'I'm fine! It's just... how does your song go? I need to make up lost time from practicing the wrong thing...'

'Didn't you get the lyrics and video Martyn sent?'

'Martyn sent stuff? I should probably look at that... but I'm doing alright. Just a little surprised is all... I swear the song was called 'Cub is the best...'

'It's alright. Just... don't stress about it, ok? We've got time.'

'I know! I've just got a lot of stuff to learn because... y'know, I can't sing or dance to save my life...'

'That's ridiculous.'

'Is everyone ready to start learning?' Gem interrupted to say. Scar quickly returned to excitement.

'Yep! Let's go!'