I lost myself trying to prove how much I loved you.
I loved you more than I loved myself.
I loved you when I didn't love myself at all.
I poured so much of myself and my energy into you that at the end of the day I was left with nothing but an empty cup.
In the process of only trying to show you what it felt like to be loved, you showed me what it felt like to hit rock bottom and feel unloved.
I still lost you in the midst of trying to do anything possible to keep you in my life because I truly never wanted you to go away.
But somehow, you slipped through my fingers before I even realized what was happening.
Even through all of the hurt and pain you caused me, I still loved you.
I was so loyal to you because I cared more about you than anyone and I betrayed myself.
I woke up each day and could slowly feel myself slipping through the cracks.
The days where I woke up with a smile on my face were gone.
I could no longer recognize myself.
Much less recognize you anymore.
We both became people I somehow didn't know anymore.
The realization of that alone broke me little by little.
Maybe it's right person wrong timing.
Or maybe we were just never meant to work.
And maybe, just maybe... God sent me to teach you how to love and to heal you while you broke me down to only be a shell of myself to teach me how to love myself better than I loved someone else.
Maybe we were only meant to be each other's lessons.
I think I'm slowly gaining peace with the fact that I will possibly never hear an apology from you.
And even if I did, I believe I deserve much more than just a half assed "I'm sorry."
I've come to terms with the fact that you no longer care for me at all.
That you don't want me in your life anymore.
But I've also come to terms with the fact that I shouldn't want you back in my life just so you can hurt me again.
All because I'm too scared to fully let you go and try to move on with someone else.
I've accepted the fact that I will never get the apology and respect I deserve.
We were never perfect.
So far from it.
But my intentions were always pure.
Even when yours weren't.
So this is me forgiving you.
With no apology.
And that is strength.
Although we don't know each other anymore, I think the biggest part of my heart will always be yours and will always love you.
I'm learning to be okay without you even when I don't want to.
I just have to remind myself that what happened, happened, and it can't be changed.
I'm beginning to understand that I don't miss you.
I just miss the memories we shared and the bond we had.
But it was toxic and that's all it will ever be.
So somehow along the way, I've found closure in it.
You hurt me and I still said sorry.
