Someone You Really Love // A Damon Albarn Romance

15 - Coping Mechanisms

Dec 1995

Maryanne's POV

It was the week leading up to the Wembley kick-off show and my anxiety was really flaring up. I understand a lot of it is to do with nerves of making sure everything goes well and the perfectionist in me. I did not want to disappoint the boys and I was doing everything I could to stop the pressure mounting up on me.

My vices that I'd latched on whether I liked it or not were alcohol and drugs. These especially allowed me the feeling of escape from the trapping nature of anxiety and the loss of control it can make you feel.
My use of it had never been anything I felt would be of concern but I'm not stupid enough to think that I can keep up this way of coping with it forever. However, I also know the involvement of such drink and substances was me fully indulging the party life. But where did the balance lie?

I did wonder if this was something I could talk to Damon about quietly but often in general would worry it's something I'd be judged on...but again that's probably my own insecurity kicking in.

It's moments like this where I'd sit on my balcony in St.John's Wood and use the coping techniques I'd learned through my therapist and various mediation courses I'd flitted in and out of.

It was a beautiful morning and I took this time to fully reflect on where I am right now and what is to come this week. To really appreciate the show and time with the boys I wanted to be able to feel I didn't have these negative feelings and doubts weighing down on me...was it because I was worried Blur fans wouldn't like me?? Perhaps a small element of that? Or that the band themselves felt they made a mistake?

Again, all these questions would definitely be best spoken out loud to Damon who I'd have to voice my concerns it to soon.

But right now, appreciating where I'm at and everything that is in my life was just what I needed as I lounged on my deckchair in the beaming morning sun.