Alejandro's Hombre

Ch.54: The pain He's been through

"don't cry when the sun is gone---your tears will hinder you from seeing the stars."
---Rabindranath Tagore

"why does love have to hurt this much?"
---Tauriel

"it hurts, because it's true..."
---King Thranduil
(The Hobbit:Battle of Five Armies)
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Xander locked the door and shut down the blinds the moment he's inside his room. His heart is pounding loudly, he's almost breathless to the point of nearly fainting. He leaned back against the closed door, one  hand on his left chest as his cane fell with a loud thud on the floor. He finally let go of the supressed sobs he's been holding back and just let himself cry, knees drawn together up to his chest with his face buried on them.

five years.

ganun katagal na hindi nya narinig ang boses na iyun. boses na kahit pa siguro lumipas ang isang buong milenya ay hindi nya kailanman makakalimutan. dahil sa kanyang balintanaw at kahit man sa kanyang panaginip, naririnig nya ito. at sa bawat pagkakataon na mangyayari yun, paulit-ulit rin na nadudurog ang puso at pagkatao nya.

between being dead and being blind---he'll chose the former without hesitation. death, no matter how painful it maybe---is much better than living a life where light is no longer present. at least in death, a person can only feel the pain once. then everything is over, once you're already six feet below the ground. when the dirt is dumped atop of your casket or when your body is burned and only ashes are left, there's nothing left for you to hold on to. you no longer have to suffer. You no longer have to breathe.

You no longer have to endure the pain of living.

but when the heavens chose to be cruel, you lived. You still breath.

and you still have to endure the pain.
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It's heavy.

everything feels so heavy. it's like corrosive chains are tying him to something, pinning him---making him unable to move.

but he has to. He feels the urge to lift even just a single finger. even the way he breathes feels laborous and drains the strength out of his lungs. his eyelids are stuck, like it's glued together, tightly shut. His throat feels so dry, drier than a thousand year old dessert whom the rain didn't touched since time immemorial. He wanted to say something, but his mouth won't open and feels so parched, like a broken concrete under the scorching sun. every limb, every muscle and every nerve in his body is aching, tired and feels like dead.

well, almost.

"he's awake."

"are you sure? maybe you're just seeing things?"

"no, I'm sure. I just saw one of his fingers move. I'll call Doctor Alein..."

those and all other voices he heard. some of them are loud, some are hushed. but now, it's both. He could sense that they're in such a hurry, he could hear their scurrying feet and rush movements. the opening and closing of a door and the strange beeping noises and a thing that's seems to cover his nose and mouth.

and a Doctor. one of them said that they're going to call a Doctor.

Alein. the Doctor's name is Alein.

He felt somehow happy. If these people whom he couldn't see yet are talking about one of  his friends, Doctor Alein Manansala---then he's probably at the hospital his family runs. He's safe.

but...

why would he be in the hospital? and why can't he open his eyes, and why he can't even move his body? why is everything so heavy, that even lifting a finger is so hard for him to do?