The Blood I Carry

manic

I'm done. I'm sick and tired. I'm done. Completely done! I've been training, too hard. I have so many new bruises, where did they even come from? Why don't they hurt?

I don't know why Sir Cassander keeps guns here. Its a bit fucked really.

Here I sit, on the edge of my bed, ready for my life to disappear. It's simple really. Put a bullet through your brains, you'll die whether people try to save you or not. Or should it be through the heart? Wouldn't that also kill you instantly?

I stopped taking my medication for my head. It makes me feel worse. So fucking useless.

It feels like the whole world is closing in on me and I can't stop it anymore. I can't sleep, I can barely eat, I can barely talk, I can't cry anymore. I don't feel anything.

Jude kissed me yesterday, it didn't feel good. I didn't get the butterflies dancing in my stomach that I used to get, It felt like nothing. Grayson hugs me, it feels like the world is squeezing me, pushing me to the edge.

A knock at my door. I don't want to get up and face whoever it is, I can't, I have to though so i slowly slide the gun under my pillow, then go and open the door.

"Hey you have to come down to training now, Cassander really wants you there." Faye quietly speaks to me, blonde streaks of hair covering part of her face. I smile at her and nod.
"Okay, I'll be down in a minute."

Just as she turns around, I speak again. "Oh Faye, could you tell Arlo to wait in the hallway for me please, it'll be 5 minutes."

She agrees, and goes. I shut the door and sit down on my bed, gun in hand.Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

A couple of minutes later, I place five notes onto my bed. One for Arlo, one for Uncle Bailey, one for Grayson, one for Jude and one for Raven.

Finally, I think. Finally, I'm done. Finally I can escape or I'll be home soon.

I head down the hallways, down the many stairs, and I finally get there. Outside the training room stands Arlo, hands in pockets, looking slightly annoyed.

"Let's get straight to the point shall we." I say, pulling the gun out slowly and pointing it at my head.

His eyes widen, his lips part slightly.
"Liv what are you-"

"You clearly wanted me dead the other day. So here I am, helping a brother out."

Adrenaline seizes through my body, it makes me shake in a way I have never felt. It's like I'm cold, but I'm not. I'm warm, very warm.

"Olivia, stop it." Arlo actually sounds worried. I can feel him trying to knock the gun out of my hand with his powers, but I only push back, pushing him back slightly.

"You wanted me dead so here we go!" I yell.

"Olivia please stop it! I never wanted you dead! I was just angry! Olivia, stop it!" He yells at me. I cock the gun.

After days of not crying, tears start spilling. I start thinking about our mum and dad.

"I'll be with mum and dad, it will be perfect. So much more perfect than it is here. Were both fucked up Arlo. We both know it. I'm just taking a head start on getting out of here." I blabber.

"You can't just leave me, that's not fair! Yes okay we may never see Uncle Bailey again but it's not like seeing mum and dad again will help any of us. It will just hurt people. Now please, Olivia, put the goddamn gun down." Tears well up in his eyes, he seems hurt.

"Why the sudden change in emotion? You've hated me ever since we got here, you rarely speak to me, you give me a speech about how im not good enough i'm a waste of space, now you don't want me to put a bullet through my head? Why the change of heart huh!?" I scream, now starting to hyperventilate.

"Because I love you! I dont show it because yes i agree its shitty here but there's no point dying! People here love you, I'm your brother and I love you! I don't want my little sister dying.Youve been my best friend since we knew how to say each other's names, you can't leave me after being with me nearly my whole life. Please Olivia. Put it down." Arlo cries. He cries. He doesn't want me to die.

For some reason his words have absolutely no effect on me. I don't move the gun.

Arlo yells for Cassander and Jude. No no no no. fucking hell. They both rush out and stare at me, eyes wide.

"Olivia, look at me, look at my eyes." Jude speaks, suddenly calming his emotions, attempting to steady mine. I blink the blurring water from my eyes and look at him. His pretty blue eyes.

"Put it down, love, come on let me help you." He speaks softly. "Keep looking at me."

The gun is still pressed against my hair, I feel numb. It's not working.

He gets close to me, and suddenly I can feel his hand grab my free wrist. I still look at his eyes. I'm lost. I don't know where I am but I am lost.

"Liv please, you don't want to." Jude whispers.

I stumble, attempting to take a few steps back suddenly realising what he's doing. I push the gun closer to my head, my lip quivers. It hurts. It does. I can feel hurt. It hurts knowing that he actually loves me after all he's said to me. I don't want to believe it so I shut everything he just said out of my brain. He still hates me. He wants me to die.

"Olivia please we all need you here, we need your powers at End Point you don't want to end up dead without even trying come on-" Sir Cassander pushes me to the very very very edge.

"Go away everyone GO AWAY!" I scream, sobbing and pulling my hair with my other hand. A feeling of being overwhelmed takes over me. Everything gets loud. It gets really fucking loud. Suddenly I can't breath, I'm hyperventilating, the room starts to spin and I get a loud ring in my ears.

Do it. Do it do it do it do it do it do it.

I do it. I give up.

I shoot.

I feel something else, someone or something, a bullet or a person. I don't know.

I need to get out. I need to escape.