The Blood I Carry

once friendly

I don't like it here anymore. It's tiring. It's painful. It's physically and mentally hurting me.

My brain is constantly busy. I can't do it anymore I can't. I'm falling off the edge of the cliff and I'm barely hanging on. Life was good for a solid 2 weeks then it all went to shit again.

Not fair. Not fair. Not fair.

The extra hours of training are hurting me too much. It puts my body in agony lifting people, bricks, fucking cars. Yes, I'm now moving cars. I'll probably be on to trains next month.

I know I have Grayson, Valentina, Raven and Faye and even Jude to help me. But it isn't much help i'll be honest. I don't mean to sound rude but my brain can't handle all the noise at training and then all of the noise when it's silent. We got phones a week into being here, and yes it has music apps on it, but its not working. Nothing is working to distract myself. Its failing everythings failing i can't.

"Olivia, come on lets do this." Jude is now training me instead of Natalie. Which I can say is very awkward, but he does help, and he has been talking to me a little bit more now, as if he's gotten over his weird phase of completely ignoring me.

"No." I say, blank.

Jude sighs, "Not this again Olivia, please."

"What? I can't always do it Jude it's not as easy as you think. I can't-" My brain is fried, i cant speak.

Jude sighs, and sits next to me, he leans his head on the wall behind us.

"What is it, princess? You've not been yourself lately."

I scoff. "Oh yes because you know what i am like 'being myself'."

"Yes I do. I do know. What is wrong?" Jude looks at me, searching my eyes for answers. After he realises i'm not going to speak or break down once again in front of everyone, he stands up and holds his hand out for me to grab. I do it. He pulls me up and holding his hand, we both walk out in the middle of a training session, not exactly what Cassander wants for me but oh well. One thing I have noticed about Jude is that his hand is warm, and Valentinas hands are always cold. I think it's the fire water thing, but then it takes me back to mine and Judes makeout, when I was feeling his body. It was all warm. I would hate feeling warm constantly. We stand in the hallway outside the training room, he waits for me to talk.

"I just miss people and things, okay? It's nothing important or special, I'm just not focused at all. I miss my Uncle Bailey." I mutter, folding my arms and leaning against the wall.

Jude also leans in front of me on the wall. "As much as I believe you, I think there's more. You were like that when you first came here remember, you told me in the gardens. You don't look good now, you look tired and unwell."

"Well thank you." I roll my eyes.

"You're welcome. Come on, you can trust me Olivia."

I think of what i'm going to say, what excuse to use that he won't know is a lie.

"Is it nightmares again?" He blurts out.

My eyes widen for a second. How does he know about them? How does he know I've been seeing Hayden and my parents dead next to me? Then I wake up, and I feel as if I've been choked and hurt.

"How do you-"

"Raven. She's worried about you and as the person who has to look after you, she came to me. You think about the nightmares a whole lot. She says it hurts her head because yours is so busy. You had them when you first got here, and now you're having them again, and more frequent. How long have you not slept?"

For fucks sake.

"Just last night."

"Don't lie."

"Two or three days, okay it's not a big deal." I fold my arms.

Maybe I missed a bit out of the story. I have nightmares, I can't sleep at night, so I avoid it. I can't bare to see my parents and Hayden dead again.

" Jesus Olivia that is a big deal, how are you still functioning?" Jude says.

"It's really not." I shrug, trying to avoid it. I swallow a lump that's forming in my throat.

Jude is about to respond but doesn't when someone grabs my shoulder in such force I nearly fall over.

"What the fuck Arlo?"

There he stands, looking even more angry than he normally is.

"What is your problem? Why do you feel the need to grab every boy's attention and lie about things? You know the nightmares aren't true. You know you don't care about Hayden, you barely knew the piece of shit! You are literally nothing Olivia! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!" He screams at me.

No fucking way.

I lift him to the ceiling, then slam him against the wall. He drops to the floor.

"What is your problem!" I yell back at him.

He lifts me up and slams me against the floor. I somehow land on my feet, like spiderman but with a less cool effect, it hurts.

"YOU." Arlo spits. "Ever since we got here all you've been doing is making people feel sorry for you! Not sleeping, not eating, crying every minute of the day! Your pathetic Olivia! You always did this with mum as well. She was always too focused on you. She only cared about you because she had to!"

"I'm sorry that mum didn't want you! It's the truth! You have mummy issues and your taking it out on me because i'm like her!" I scream.

I suddenly feel dizzy. Really really dizzy. I'm being lifted into the air again, I open my eyes to see the ceiling.

"What is wrong with you!!" Jude raged. That's the last thing I heard before I got thrown to the floor on my head and blacked out.

What the fuck is this life anymore. It's all a hazy dream.