The Blood I Carry

i love you.

Long story short:

Always get tested for mental illness, because it's a bitch undiagnosed.

My mother had bipolar, and it got passed down to me. It didnt with Arlo, but did with me. And I only found out nearly 2 weeks ago after my manic episode. After I blacked out and shot the bullet, it turns out Jude somehow pushed the gun upwards, so it went through the ceiling instead of my brains. I don't know if I'm thankful for that yet. Then when I woke up in the medical room again, the doctors we have here at End Point did blood tests, physical tests and mental tests and now I am on mood stabilisers to help with the quick mood swings I can have. The medication isn't the best with its many side effects, but it helps me. I'm also going to a therapist three times a week. I don't know why but End Point feels like it has a whole town of people and things here. Want to go to the dentist? I'm pretty sure we will have one here.

And now, nearly two weeks later, I feel like the world is opening up to me again. I don't feel 100% of course, I haven't since, well, a long time ago. But I feel a lot better right now.

On a more difficult note, Sir Cassander is estimating we have around three weeks before The Intelligent start attacking, Jace managed to send us the note from a few weeks ago; we know that he will have been working his ass off trying to find everyone here and all the other End Points. I'm sort of scared when I think about guns, bombs, using my powers on people, real life people, not simulations or dummies, this isn't fake anymore. I think I'll have to kill people. That scares me. I don't know what it feels like to kill someone, and honestly, I hoped I would never know what it felt like to kill someone. But of course we can't all get what we want.

For now though, im sitting under the big oak tree, reading a book and waiting for Jude to return with our snacks. We have a day off today since all of us have been working extra hard the past few days. If I'm honest, this book is absolutely boring. I put it down beside me on the blanket i layed over the grass. I roll over on to my back, the oak tree isn't that big, but when you look up to it from the floor, it looks like it could collapse on you any day. The gentle wind blows the leaves and branches ever so slightly, a few strands of my hair blow in my face and tickle my skin. I brush them away. It's warm outside today, it's like spring. I searched in my wardrobe for a while to find a nice little dress. It's a cream dress that is covered in tiny little flowers that are a soothing kind of orange. It has off the shoulder sleeves and stops just above my knees. I feel pretty. I even put a small amount of mascara on today.

I close my eyes and listen to the stream that's not too far away, it's peaceful. I feel peaceful.

"Cookies anyone?" I hear Judes voice and it brings me to life again. I open my eyes to see him leaning over me above my head, holding a packet of cookies.

"Me please!" I smile and then sit up, he sits in front of me. He puts the cookies in front of us and then leans over to kiss me. Then we start eating the cookies. Our relationship has definitely become something in the past two ish weeks. After my episode, he started sleeping in my bedroom to make sure I was safe. We stayed on each other's side of the bed until a few days ago when I had a nightmare, I snuggled up to his side. I had never done that before unless it was my parents. We talk during meal times, we hang out whenever we are free and of course, when i'm not hanging out with grayson or the others. We kiss often. We hold hands on occasion, we hug. Which leads me to my next question. I'm sort of nervous to ask.

"Jude,"

"Mhm?" He mumbles as he chews.

"What are we?" I question.

He swallows, then stops and looks at me.

"You're my girlfriend I suppose? If you would like that." He says, straight face.