New Name

7. looking

7. looking - May 23, 2024 (NIGHTS LIKE THESE - Benson Boone)

It's been days or months since I drowned. It's been that long since I last saw you. I just had to go on and pretend that I was fine. Act like I was okay and didn't feel like a part of me died. Ever since waking up from the hospital, it was like you were never even real. The minute I was discharged, your house was the first destination. Yet, opening the door, there was no trace of you. It was vacant and empty. I drove and drove to see if you were where you worked. If you were at the beach where I lost everything. No idea where you were. And no way of contacting you. I closed my eyes and thought back to the calls we would have. Tried to remember the sound of your voice. But nothing. I couldn't even remember what you looked like. When I tried to remember the things we would talk about, they only became gaps in my memory. No phone to call you or listen to your voicemails. I had nothing. I had nothing to remind myself of you.

More months go by. The pain has softened. The wound I carried formed its scab. Everything was moving along. Still, I pick at the scab. I feel and feel to remind myself that I wasn't crazy. That you were someone I love and still are out there, wherever you may be. I will continue to look for you. Drive by your old home and stare at the For Sale sign in the overgrown yard. How that haunted me for so long. It didn't feel right. It shouldn't be there and this jungle shouldn't exist. We should have been on the lawn where you first tackled me into the ground. Now, it's unrecognizable and tattered. It's not somewhere that brought me the feeling of home. But, I won't abandon it. Never. I swore upon my life I'd never forget.

The day was ending. Nightfall came and I saw blankness across the sky. It's funny how I loved the sky but now despise it. Why did I love the sky when it brought down disaster? I remember the night when the hurricane first landed. I had purposely turned off my phone. I never expected the storm to come at all. It took me by surprise. But it was such a special day for me. I spent the entire day picking out orchids for you, planning the future, and a ring crafted especially for you. I feared I was going too fast but trusted my feelings that I didn't need to find the right one. I found my only one. And for the only star in my sky, I gave you the brightest one I could get. However I couldn't possibly do it by myself, so I opted to have my sister come with me. Because of her, I planned the perfect proposal that would bring tears to your eyes. A proposal I wasn't able to accomplish when you disappeared that night. I looked for you for hours only to be met with your inbox. I was in such distress that I felt my sanity chipping away. I wasn't grounded at all. You weren't there to anchor me. Then, I was lost in the storm and floating somewhere in the water. Then, I was saved but to a world where you don't exist. No one knew who you were. No addresses or places were you found. I was looking for you blindfolded.

I came back to where I tried to end it all. It was useless doing that. Everywhere I looked was a dead end. So I looked at the one place I hadn't looked before. Upwards. I look to the darkest heavens for a sign. I prayed earnestly as I kneeled in the sand. One final wish. Then, I fell into the sand, hands gripping only sand and something I believed to have lost. Beneath the rubble of sand in my grasp was my phone from the night before. I rush to my car for a backup charger and wait for the one percent to show. I opened it and listened to the voicemail you gave me. I knew you were real. Your voice gave me a wave of relief. I heard you once more. It felt like God had given me a miracle. And your number was still saved on my phone. Without hesitation, I listened to my phone ring and ring. I wait patiently until I hear a familiar ringtone from behind. I didn't want to believe it. Set high expectations only to be disappointed by myself. But I took a brave step and turned around to find you. You were there standing before me and I started to weep. Cry uncontrollably. I had finally found you. And from the earth we stood on, at that moment, the night sky birthed a bright singular star, shining down upon us.