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24. little miss not ok

24. little miss not ok - September 17, 2024 

There might be something wrong with me. When I want to cry, my tears are empty as if my eyes were dried by the wind. Yet, I can't stop sobbing when he comes to mind. Whatever I want never comes and only comes at the worst moment. All because of one damn boy. Not a man. No, ma'am. If anything, I'm more of a man than he is. That's just my opinion.

Still, I feel the pain and heartache in my chest for the damn boy. It's just a natural feeling I hate. I stalk his page to see if he posts her. Stalk her page to see what it is that she has that I don't. Look at the photos of us I was too much of a pussy to delete off my phone. Rot in bed and scroll through social media, watching videos that always remind me of that person. Maybe I should change. Get a new peace of mind by distracting myself. Out of sight and out of mind. It should be for the best. Heal naturally without me acting on my feelings. But, that would not be me anymore. Who said I was mature? Who would change the way they are because they think it will help them? I act according to myself. So I do what I do best. Tear him a new one.

A perk of being a delusional and obsessive girl is that I know everything about him, inside and out. I know what he loves. I know his schedule and routine. So many avenues and routes I can take to fuck up his life. Am I a little fucked up? Yes, but it's a label I've embraced. Little Miss Terror. Little Miss Hellspawn. Little miss gremlin. Little Miss Not OK in the Head.

So I do everything you wanted to do to someone that did you wrong. Keyed his car. Slashed his tires. Went to his favorite coffee shop and slipped some laxatives in his cup while he was away. Used his photos to sign him up on Grindr. Used his email to sign him up for sex toy advertisements. Paid male strippers to show up at his house. And, it felt good to see him suffer. His relationship falling apart in front of my eyes. His life is turned upside down. But, it was all in my head.

I still see him. Him with her. Her with him. Her. And when they see me, I crack a phony smile and pretend it's all good. While I scream and berate him in my thoughts, I compliment on how pretty she is and how lucky he is to find her. I pretended everything was fine when, in fact, it was painful and torture. I wanted to yell and throw things but hugged them both goodbye. I want to curse them and hope they cheat on each other but promise that I will hang out next time. I rather burn the world and watch everything go to dust but am waving at them as they leave. I wasn't little Miss Hellspawn. I wasn't the nightmare I imagined myself to be. I guess I never was. I was only Little Miss Not OK.