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20. im fine

20. im fine - August 30, 2024 

I was going to be unstoppable. End this curse of mine that plagued me for twenty-plus years. Cure this incurable stain upon my fate. A life full of non-commital men and talking stages that never end well. I couldn't count how many times I've endured men who think not with their brains. Rather, I spend my days fearing for my life whenever I open my phone. Life sucked. Men sucked worse. Swore off upon my life that I should just resign control of my unyielding destiny. That is until he came into my life. A man who seemed almost out of this world. A man who was seemingly impossible to exist. A man of fiction if some were to describe.

He was a man of few words yet always uplifted me whenever I was low in spirit. His hands were soft and warm, so I never wanted to let go of them. And he was a man of action. He responded to my texts at the speed of light. He always seemed to have time to indulge in my endless rants and yapping. How he even was willing to help me whenever I needed help. Although I never asked anything of him, he continued to give his all to me. He was communicative. Loyal. Attentive. I could go on and on about how the perfect man exists. I want to scream that I want him forevermore at the top of my lungs. Show him off to everyone. He made me believe that romance was not dead. To feel loved, a feeling I had forgotten for too long. For once, I was confident. I was ready to confess that I wanted to grow old with him.

I remember that cold night down the street. The roads were empty. The people vanished without a trace. It seemed so odd, but I paid no mind to it at all. All that occupied my mind were fantasies of a future with him. Imagined him holding me from behind as I cook, adoring our children as they run and play, and carrying my hand at the altar with a wedding ring. I became so engrossed in my delusions that I walked around aimlessly. I didn't feel the cold, winter air. I didn't pay attention to what street I was walking on. It didn't matter one bit. Like a fool in love, I skipped and danced around as if I were the lead actress of a romantic musical. I swung around the streetlights. Jumped on top of tables and ran around until I was out of breath. I ran and ran like an idiot I was and still am. My head filled with nothing but love. I felt like nothing world could stop me. That is until I ran someone into the ground.

It happened so quickly. I turned the corner without warning and knocked a man onto his back. I was immediately pulled back into reality, realizing how underdressed I was. I reached out my hand to the pour soul I hit yet saw the fear in his eyes. His eyes were sorrowful. We locked eyes for a moment but felt like I knew his pain all too well. How he felt like world was against him and no one was worth trusting anymore. But, in that brief moment, he quickly got up and left, leaving the phone booth. As he ran away into the horizon, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I pitied how much he was like me. Wished that he would find someone like how I found mine. Be more confident in himself. I looked back to where he was coming from and saw the phone booth, thinking of him again. I pull out my phone and dial his number, hoping to hear his voice again. As the call went through, I heard his voice again. I felt like I was at peace like a everything weighing on me washed away. We talked and caught up while as I walked to his door. Everything was right in the world. Nothing could stop me from this point on from living a life of bliss and romance that I always dreamed of. That is until she opened the door.

A girl wearing oversized clothes too big to be hers opened the door, leaving me shocked. A million different thought went through my head, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to misunderstand anything so I asked for him. I was hoping it wasn't what I thought. I prayed to God that it wouldn't. But as the universe always did. I still couldn't escape my fate. She questioned me about who I am and how I know her boyfriend. I guess things were too good to be true. Every man was everything I thought they'd be. Even so, I kept my mouth shut and smiled. I lied through my teeth, saying that I was a close friend. And after a brief talk, she wished me well as I left, holding back my tears and anger. All men were same. I was truly the fool to believe there could be an exception. I wouldn't let it bother me. No, I deserved better than to be led on by men who can never keep their word. I'm fine. No matter what, I'm going to be fine. Nothing will bother me anymore. I don't care anymore.