New Name

26. breath

26. breath - November 14, 2024 

I can finally breathe again. For months, I couldn't. Held my breath every time I had to see you. Fearful of what would happen if I breathed. Would you figure me out? Would you leave me like I always feared you would? Would I draw my last breath? I lived carefully like I was going to die at any moment. Every moment was critical to me. Every day, it was suffocating to act nonchalant and pretend you were not the problem. I know you weren't. It was me but villainized you instead. The words I wanted to say. The me I wanted to express. I couldn't. I kept silent like I was already dead. I thought if I resented you. If I could somehow speed through the grieving process, I could get used to this feeling. No matter how much I wanted you to hurt and feel my pain, I just could not. You were never a villain in my story.

I can breathe again. I remember how the weather just seemed to match my feelings. For the weeks that I desperately ran away from you, the skies were grim and rainy. The winds carried the rain that struck me my face every time. Despite how prepared I was, I always had soaked socks and clothes. It seemed appropriate. I deserved this. In my mind, I thought of myself as confident and self-aware, knowing what it was that I wanted. But, I never had the confidence to go after it. So much talk but no bite. So many regrets run through my mind late at night. When the storms hit, I was left by myself, thinking of you. I loathed myself. How could I not get over you? I had my reasons and the excuses made.

Now, the months go by while you faded away. The sky renewed. The humid air is crisp. The streets empty. So, I walk alone along this path. Like the memories, I walk through and through, leaving them to the past. Not a glance. My chest is unburdened. Miracles are born again. Maybe there was a lesson in this as well. Maybe it was something worth sacrificing and losing to realize that things would be okay. The rain has gone away. The mugginess dissipated. My happiness restored. Although I may be a broken soul, even I can appreciate the beauty of it all. Death of me and her for a rebirth of the world. It was due time that I breathe again.