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17. hand full of stars

17. hand full of stars - July 26, 2024 

I'm no fortune teller. I can't read the stars and see the future. I can't see what fate is in store for me with tarot cards. I can't. But, I still knew what our fate was. It didn't take a lot for me to see what would unfold before me. Even then, I chose to follow my heart. I chose to put myself through the most painful moments I could barely think back to. I treasured those memories dearly while knowing the truth all along. I just pretended it was never the case. I pretended that you loved me back and not someone else.

I wasn't superstitious or religious. I believed that my feelings and heart could overcome whatever it was. And when it was you, I felt like everything would work itself out as long as I was who I was. I stayed true to myself. I never once showed you a side of myself that was a facade or an act. The times I'd laugh and smile at you were genuine. However, I don't know if I should say the same to you—nights when we would talk about our most vulnerable moments and see each other. I saw your beautiful soul. So I bared mine. We were nothing but two souls twisted and bruised from our fates. Yet, I decided to defy the path chosen for me. I ventured into what I thought to be the unknown. Little did I know that I was nothing but plaything to the gods.

How cruel the stars are. How dare they dictate my life? How could they mock and laugh as I break and shatter from their entertainment I had believed the stars in the sky were good. Celestials that would be forever be on my side. But they betrayed me so quick. When it was time for us to separate, I sat and stood and knelt solemnly, thinking of you only. How badly I missed you and yearned to hold you again. But as I was true to my feelings and ready to give myself to you, my fate was sealed in stone. You came back not alone. You had another by your side. You looked at them like how I looked at you. Your eyes looked him so lovingly. Your smile even brighter. Even as I cracked and cracked in front of you, I lied to you for the first time. I told you I was so happy that you found someone you could call your forever person. All of it. Lies. And I could never tell you the truth. I continued to sit by my lonesome self while you would stay up till the morning laughing and talking endlessly with him. And with every passing minute, I felt my heart harden. I look from afar at the both of you fall deeper and deeper in love.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted the stars to tell me they made a mistake. That everything will go back to normal. I grab at the sky hoping for a hand full of stars, but there were no stars at night from then on. I grasp at emptiness. I was filled with regret. I could never be honest with you. I was always a liar to you. I never told you that I loved you. I choked every time and just remained as nothing but your friend. I never wanted you to go away from me. I never wanted you to find someone that was better than me. But I was just too scared and selfish. And I'm too late to say my piece. I was a victim to a cruel fate. A fate that I would experience a sad love. A love unrequited and unresolved.