New Name

15. full of it

15. full of it - July 17, 2024 

It may be time to retire my romantic self. Hang up the gloves. Throw my last shot. Write my last love letter. I'm so tired. I'm tired of being sent back to the starting line. All I hear is reset. All I see is the same scene plays itself out with different leads. All I feel after is a lonely hollowness. I fear that it is just my programming. I was designed to fall for and lose someone. Maybe it was fate so I may meet the one true love of my life. I was comforted by that thought. It is all going according to the will of the universe. I believe there will be a right time, place, and person. I wholeheartedly believed that. No, I was just full of it. A small delusion distracting me from the reality that it was me. Full of it, I daresay. Full of it, I announce.

And the wheel spins again. I meet the girl who will supposedly change my life for the better—the woman of my dreams. I sit there like the fool I was. I sit, listening intently to her stories. I admire her smiles and enchanting eyes. I yap on and on and watch her laugh. See her and have a good time. Set my hopes up that we will continue to have a good time. And even when I know it'll all end the same way, I can't help but be full of it. I get invested in her. Put in the time and effort to get to know her. Meet up with her whenever she's free. Care about nothing else except spending time with her. Act like a fool whenever I am around her. I do it all only to know that it will end wrong. I wondered if this was some sick twist of fate the universe had set for me. To be met with so much failure and heartbreak that I should believe love was never in the cards for me. Yet, I hold out. I hang onto dear life that it is for a purpose. I believe for some unknown reason it will not end in disaster. I must know it won't. It must not. For if it did, then should I give up my mantle and honor. I could call myself not a romantic but a failed, hopeless fool.

I never wanted to go through it all again. To close the distance between us only to become even more distant from her. I never wanted to go from strangers to lovers to strangers again. It's a cycle that I dread yet put myself through the most. I don't want to be a lone man living on the moon while she lives down on Earth. I don't want to circle around her at a distance. I don't want to watch over her like a guardian angel. I want to be beside her. Be there hand in hand when we vow our union in the eyes of fate. But I can only dream. I can only hope. I can only be full of it.