New Name

13. hopeful

13. hopeful - July 5, 2024 

I was a hopeful man. I grew up listening to love songs and watching movies where the guy and girl end up together at the end. But, I changed when the tide came in. When the world turned over and love had not the same meaning it used to have, a small part of me was forgotten and left to die. I trudge and push my way through life, hoping for salvation. A person I could devote myself to building a love story with. Alas, it was never in the books for me. Every fateful encounter I had went to shit. I got burned, stabbed, betrayed, used, manipulated, and battered each and every time. I doubt my ability to love soon after. Could I possess the will to move through the journey? I pursue and pursue despite all of my efforts to no avail. I was so close to the edge. Just one step away from giving it all up. Just a final step to wash away all of my efforts. Jump off into the beyond with no more tears left to cry.

Then, she came in like a great wind.

She was something to behold. Someone I assumed was like any other person was so powerful. Her eyes unyielding. Her smile strong and unbreaking. Her laugh bursting through the lands. And when I look at her, I am so amazed by her. Every day, she never ceases to amaze me. Every day, I start to become someone I once was. Hopeful.

I begin to dream of a distant love. A love where I stand next to her, overlooking the horizon. Envision us having small dates. We would eat our favorite foods. Scare her with my horrible driving. Run after her and hold her tightly in my arms. Wake up next to her in a place we could call home. I dreamt endlessly about a life with you. I dreamt more that I knew it would be too good to be true. Yet, I dream on and on for a life full of dreams.

Whenever I looked to her side, I get flashes of us up on the altar, hand-in-hand. Whenever I am by her, I think about what names we'd give our children. Every night, I think about how good it feel to continue to love her by her side. Through hell and bitter struggles, I imagine myself upholding my promise to treat her with nothing but compassion and wholehearted devotion. Whether it'd be tomorrow or 50 years down the line, I wanted nothing more than to give her my all. Let her know that I will make a love story come true. Make her dreams come true as she made mine come alive. She saved me at my lowest. She was the helping hand that built up my hopeful heart. She was something divine that I could cry again and believe in the impossible.

So when she is by me, I hope she sees what I see. See the fireworks explode before us. Kiss at midnight during New Years Day. Dance our first dance at our wedding. Watch our kids run off and grow before our very eyes. And be there for each other till the end of time. And when we are pulled apart for the last time, I am hopeful I'd meet her again and repeat another life of loving her.