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21. no one's peace

21. no one's peace - September 4, 2024 (feel like shit - Tate McRae)

I should be stronger. I should be better now. But, I'm not. It's ok to feel that way. I tell myself that daily and so does everyone else. But, I'm tired of this feeling. I'm choking from the inside. My eyes are dry but feel like they're going to burst at any moment. I have a hole in my chest and no one to blame but myself.

Everything comes to a slow burn. My whole world is engulfed in flames bit by bit. Little by litter do I crumble and my facade breaks. How long could I keep up this smile of mine before I am exposed? Could I endure the ever-reaching fires that are destined to swallow me? It pains me. Every day, it pains me so. To sit there and watch her fall in love with a man that showed his feelings. Versus I, a coward faking his support. I grow tired of it. I want to run away as I always did. Lock myself away to save myself from hurting more. But, I cannot. I loved her too much to cause her any pain. My only choice was to pretend nothing was done. Say that I'm happy for her. Watch as she becomes more intimate and close with him while I stay in my place as the friend. I could make excuses and go on and on about how I wanted to wait for the perfect time. Give her a grand, perfect gesture. But, I was too little, too late. She was never mine, to begin with. I was never a contender. I was the close person she confided in. The guy friend she could spill her secrets while my secrets are kept under lock and key. Even as she prodded and picked to know mine, I could only grit my teeth. I could do nothing but be a friend.

I desperately wanted things to go back to how it was. When I had all of her attention. Back when it was just the two of us. I guess that was never the case, to begin with. Those endless texts were just her being friends. I just read too much into them as I always did. But as I reread those messages, I can't help but want to cry. I drop to my knees and curse. Scream and hold my chest as if I wanted to hold everything in. I remembered how she would text me nonstop and would just talk for hours. Now, she is too busy for me. The only time she ever looks at me is when I see her whenever we hang out. But, could I keep this up? Sit there and pretend she isn't there? Ignore my feelings and go on as if I didn't want to hold her in my arms? I have to. I must. It was the role I was destined for. The guy friend. The friend who had to shut up and listen to the girl he loves talk to anyone else but him. Be the man who swallows up his feelings out of his duty as her designated friend. I hate it so much. I hate it with a passion. I hate it that I am burning from the inside.

As the fires engulf me, so does the rage. The irrational pain and anger is brought out of me. I swing and smash and break and toss. Leave nothing in my wake untattered. Yell an unworldly scream until nothing is left in me to yell. I lose all control but keep it in my mind. I remain straight-faced and kind as I had always been. Become the same old friend she had trusted. To me, a life in pain is worth more than a life a life where I lose her completely. It is an insane and toxic thing but is my only option left. I couldn't just leave her and let her wondering why it is I left. I am trapped within this space. I'm yelling from the inside but no one can hear me. I want to be her peace but have become no one's instead. What a shitty situation I let myself be in.