New Name

18. freedom with you

18. freedom with you - August 7, 2024

I was the type to read too much into things. Maybe it ran in the family. I always worried about the little things. Burdened by the thoughts of double meanings and triple meanings. I was too stuck in the moment, trying to figure you out. It was like I was floating in the ocean. Nothing to feel grounded on. Endlessly drift about the vast seas. Feel my body be carried by the waters while my mind was 60 feet deep underwater.

I wanted to know you more. I knew that I could put in more effort to show that but didn't know how to. Seeing your reply has me excited and texting more often. I jumped in excitement at your response even if it was a dry text like "yea" or "lol". But I could only go on for so long. I craved to have a connection with you. Reach a point where I can be more vulnerable with you. And you tell me things that weigh you down or personal that you would only trust me along with a few close friends. I know that's too much of me to ask you. I get that I'm a selfish man. How I want your attention all day long. Be able to drive to you and see you again. Tell you all about my day and the things on my mind, especially you. I was hooked on you. Got me changing my ways to make myself a better man for you. Planning dates according to your likes and interests. Showing you off via hard or soft launching. Do the things I always wanted to do but with you. They may not seem like much but what I looked forward to for so long. My mind was filled with promises that I would find my one. Been led to believe that patience yields opportunities. Went through so many failed talking stages and conversations where it wasn't what I was looking for. And when I met you, it felt like I had a chance.

Now, it seems like you're pulling away from me. Hear you less and less. My messages left on delivered for longer and longer. Like an addiction, I could barely get enough of you. And I barely did. You gave me reasons that I know I should believe and trust you. Yet, I've been feeling lost without you lately. I kept thinking I lost your favor. Your interest in me faded away as your presence did. My worst fears were realized. I can't catch my breath. My chest is tightening. My legs are locked in place. As if I drunk too much the night before, my head was swirling all around. I'm crying from frustration. My hands are gripping themselves and my nails dig deep into my palm. I'm delirious. I needed you. I needed your comfort. I needed you to make it all okay again. Help me find freedom with you.