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6. hidden

6. hidden - May 23, 2024 

I should have answered the phone. I should have been on the way. I should have trusted your love. I should have done so many things. Yet, I shunned you every step of the way. I knew you were different from the rest, yet I still didn't give you a chance. And when you needed me the most, I had already separated myself from you. Only when the clock struck zero. Only when the final hour passed did I lose you.

I remember the night you called me. My phone was left ringing on the floor. I was only a few feet away from it. I could have answered it and would have in a heartbeat. Yet, seeing you with someone else broke me deeply, and felt like everything I did and built with you was undone. I drowned myself in my sorrows and bottles. And seeing your name on my phone only brought a drunken love-hate out of me. I hated that I still loved you. The bottles I had in my hand were thrown and shattered all around the room. Then, it all stopped. The ringing was done. Everything went quiet. I had believed this was it. The end of it all. Oh, how I wish that were true.

My phone lit up with a voicemail. A part of me wanted to hear your voice again. To know that you do love me. So I listened but it wasn't what I wished for. All I was met with was the sounds of waves crashing, seagulls cawing, and steps in the wet sand fading away. For a few minutes, I sat there listening to the beach and listened as the sounds of the beach calmed my aching heart. I couldn't bear to end it, praying that you would finally say something. But the worst had yet to come. I hear distant sirens. I hear people screaming and yelling and murmuring amongst themselves. I hear orders being shouted. It's pandemonium. Chaos. It encircles my thoughts and takes over. I think of the worst to come and my heart beats out of my chest. Worry and anxiety swell from within me. I rushed to the beach as fast as I could. Speed past all of the stop signs and red lights that stood in my way. I ignored all of it so I hoped that I wasn't too late. To know that you're ok. And once I got there, my fate had been answered.

My heart dropped further than the ground below me. My eyes were full of shock and despair. What I saw broke more than just my heart. It had completely shattered my very being. I move closer to the beach. Past the crowd of onlookers. Sneak under the yellow tape. All to find you being carried into the ambulance. I fell to my knees and felt my heart weigh down. My tears became endless. You were rushed off as quickly as I had fallen. There wasn't enough time for me to grieve you at your side. No, I don't even believe I deserved to be by your side. Let alone grieve you. I could only pray and hope you are safe and alive. That you find peace that wasn't me. For I was your downfall. The greatest misfortune you treasured the most. And that cost me you. Only now that you're away from me that you have a chance to love again. Find a love that will give you what you need. Although I still love you that it could kill me, I know enough to only watch from afar. You were something bright and beautiful like a spring angel, bringing me joy and love. Yet, because of me, you have fallen so far. Still, even if I am not deserving of you, I will continue to love you. You are my life and should be loved. I can only do it from where I am hidden.