New Name

8. erased

8. erased - June 6, 2024 (I'd Hate Me Too - gavn!)

I fell. I fell in love. I fell from grace. I fell for the beautiful parts of you. I fell into my thoughts and doubts. I fell to my knees in repentance. I fell. I just fell.

I knew my mistakes. I knew that whatever I did could never bring back what I did to you. What it drove you to do to yourself. I feared that if I saw you again, I'd see your cold body carried off into that ambulance. And so, I tread lightly. Walk carefully so that I might be erased from sight. For my own sake and yours. I was unsure of what you'd feel if you saw me. How it might kill you again. I moved to the next town over. Make it seem like I was a mere hallucination. For months, I lived peacefully as your distant memory. An erased existence that couldn't be brought back. It should have stayed that way.

I still look at our texts. The pictures I had saved of you. The goofy smiles I had when I was with you. It gave me such a warm feeling. Yet, I felt a stinging pain. Every happy memory I remembered, was accompanied by a stab to my chest. So I forced myself to erase your texts. The pictures we had together. Thrown away and lit ablaze. And even though I didn't feel that stabbing pain anymore, I wept and wept for days, wishing it never had to come to this. I stayed strong. I kept you out of my mind. Live independently and find my path without you. I had my moments where I'd break down. Moments when I would call your phone to listen to your voicemail. Even when a year has passed, I still cry about you.

So, I come back for one day. I plan to drive to the beach on the anniversary of our death. Watch the sunset on the horizon and watch everything fade to black. But, as I got there, I saw a figure out in the distance, digging into the sand. I carefully step towards them and see them pull a phone out. They rushed into their car for something. Then, all of a sudden, my phone rings. I assumed it was work. I looked at the name and went into shock. The name I dreaded to see. I look up and then see your face. I freeze in place. So many emotions well up inside me. I felt fear. I felt relief. I felt anguish. I felt too much. I wanted to run away from there. Run off and start my life over. Press restart. Except I was entranced by you. I couldn't help but stare at you. Feel and remember all of the memories I was sure to erase and burn. And step closer to you rather than away. I was only a few feet away, but now, we're only a few inches away. I look into your eyes and see them twinkle. You were in so much pain. I saw the tiredness in you. I saw the last glimmer of hope remain and grow. You pull me in and embrace me. I don't remember the last time I felt the comfort of a hug. I felt that safety I was so fond of.

I felt my shoulders become unburdened. My heart is not in pain. But, I still felt the guilt. I saw that you had been searching for me when I didn't want to be found. And after all that we both have gone through, I knew I couldn't be who I was before to you. I became someone else. I just needed you to understand that. I held your hands and did what I should've done. Did what I was too scared and weak to do. We sit for hours and talk about our lives. Discuss how we are now different people and together would only hurt each other. And conclude that it was best to bury our past. Erase the memories and live apart from each other. Even if everything was erased and there's not a single thing to remind me of you, I was thankful. You taught me to love and feel. I'll always treasure what once was.