New Name

19. missed again

19. missed again - August 7, 2024

My life is a wreck. I'm down on my luck. Two dollars in my pockets. No one to come home to. And I'm here alone, walking along an empty sidewalk. There is no one for miles and miles except streetlights; half of them are barely working. Still, I trudge forward to the silence of the world. For a solid hour, I was truly alone. The only thing that whispered was the sound of the wind blowing past my ears. I wonder where everyone was. Why did it feel like time had stopped for me? How did I get to where I am now? So many unanswered questions run through my mind. No one is here to answer them for me.

Now, why did I come to be? How did I become such a miserable loser that you see before you? Well, as you would assume, it was because of a girl. A girl that like any other chewed me up and spat me out. Left my life with a trail of insecurities and no self-esteem to spare. I got left with a mess she made and had no way of contacting her. All of her socials are gone like they never existed. My texts are undelivered. It is what it is, as others would say. Just another girl to break a man. More to come so I should just man up and move along. It's the same cycle. Meet a girl. Have them break you bad. Drink away the pain. Meet someone else to get over them and just fall for them again. Then, repeat. I needed a break. Some kind of escape. Do something to take my mind off of it all. Yet, it's hard to do anything when you barely have any money on you. So, I go on my way again and just walk around. The air is crisp and cold and biting. The horizon seems endless. It's just a road that stretches far to where the eye can see.

Being alone does a number on me. I become painfully aware of myself. I don't like that. I don't want to realize things about myself but have nothing else to distract me. I think back to the girl I thought was my one. And then, the girl before her. And the one before her. And so on. I remember their last words to me. How they pointed out my flaws and fears. How I could never amount to anything being such a shallow and weak man. The more I thought back to them, the more I saw myself being the very person they described. What had I succeeded at? When did I ever have the courage to stand up for myself? Will I ever grow up and man up like I'm supposed to? Do the things I was too scared and cowardly to do. This was my epiphany. A long, overdue sign from God to change.

I ran instead of walking. I embrace the cold, stinging air on my face. Feel the rush of adrenaline to do something incredibly stupid. I look at my phone. See her blocked number and go to the nearest phone booth. Use up the last two dollars I had to make a call to her. Let her know I was not going to give up so easily. Make up for the time I wasted as a sad, sad man. I wait for the call to go through. Ring after ring, my heart beats three times over. Finally, I hear a voice. The call went through. I hear a man's voice.

Oh. I fall silent as he starts asking me questions. "Who's this?", "This is her boyfriend.", "Hello?". My mouth opens but no words come out. And the call ends with a long beep. I guess that was that then. My heart has slowed. My mind overflows again. I put up the phone back and force myself to walk away. As soon as I turn, I bump into someone and fall flat on my back. Embarrassed, I got up and ran away like the coward I was. It's not like I have anything to offer to them. I did what I always did. Run away. That's all I was good for. It was just another failed fate. Nothing more than me missing my chance again. That's all it was and will ever be.