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14. (REWRITE) fear-free

14. (REWRITE) fear free - July 14, 2024

I've been so tired of it. Her games. Her words. Her everything. It was eating away at me with no sign of stopping. Yet, I let her. I took it all without a clue of the pain shown on my face. When my heart was beating out of my chest, I laid down willingly for her. All because I was afraid. Fearful. Scared that she'd leave me. I knew it was toxic love, but it was a love that I only knew. As long as I could prolong her being with me, I threw myself away. Sacrificed my being so she could toy with me.

I would dream as my consciousness faded in and out. The memories of her back when she wasn't as twisted as she is now. Like something out of Heaven, it felt like meeting an angel. Her every word was my scripture. Her attention was something I desired. I was on my knees for her. She was perfection in my eyes. She'd tell me good morning with a bright expression. Whenever we went out, she was so carefree. Nothing could keep her grounded. We would laugh and do crazy things together. She saw me at my lowest and still stayed by my side. When I broke down, she built me up. When I lost all hope in love, she became all the love I needed. How quickly she became a dream come true. How quickly she turned it all into a nightmare.

I would hear from her barely even once a week. Her smile which exuded brilliance and purity became crooked and crazed. Her laughter was maniacal. Her eyes were consumed with bloodlust. Her words of affirmation and consolement turned into gaslighting and manipulation. She had fun taunting and scarring me, yet I stood strong. I thought I could bring her back. Help her find her light as she did for me. I held on and on for her. Went through the pain and torture because I loved her. But, there was no helping a demon. Everything she ever told me was a lie. Her promises were just sweet empty words. It was all a part of her sick, twisted game. She wanted me to treat her like a goddess. Like my savior who saved me from the darkness. Then, she'd betray me and send me to a darker hell. Over and over, I was just another victim of her entertainment. Another naive romantic who threw himself into the fire for her, thinking he could change her. There was no chance. And that was when I was no longer afraid.

I clawed and knawed my way out of this hellhole I threw myself in. I stood bloodied and bruised and cut. But, I stood there with no fear left in my body. All that I knew was hate. It consumed my mind. How I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. Skin her till she is nothing and leave her vulnerable like she did me. Bomb her until there is no remnant of her. Hang her like the criminal she was. So many scenes ran through my mind. Death by fire. Death by firing squad. Death by strangulation. Despite my desire for revenge. Despite the justification I deserved, I held myself back because I knew the difference between me and her. I would never become a monster like her. I was free from the fear she had shackled me with. I could live a full and good life with the people who loved me while she would live forever alone as a monster, using fear to trap others with her.