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25. fuck it idgaf

25. fuck it idgaf - September 20, 2024 

Crying over someone for weeks has always been my favorite pastime. Just wish things would go well for me all while I watch them be happy and I become a bitter, jealous man. I'm a black-hearted hater. Envious of something I could never have. And the one girl I believed was maybe the one for me. Damn, it repeats like every other girl. Friendzoned before I can even say my peace. Automatically designated as the guy best friend. Be there for her and become the object of every boyfriend's distrust and hate. I act my role perfectly. Sometimes, I do it too well. Years and years of practice, and I am the default. I play out the same script and say my lines. At this point, I should be unbothered. Nonchalant even. But, I'm not. I'm always chalant. I'm the chalantest there is. I just hide it well.

And, I sit there with my phony smile and strained laughs. Every day, I listen to my playlist on repeat. Luke Chiang, Keshi, starfall, demxntia, Christian Kuria, d4vd, Bryant Barnes, all of them. And while I cry internally and listen to their music, I make some bullshit excuse to not show my face anymore. Rude. Yes, I know but a man needs to heal where they need to heal. And what's worse is that this is the sweetest girl I know. There's no way I could ever just ignore her like other people. She was always the one to check up on me even though she would badger me about how I was doing and why I didn't see her often. And every time, it's "Sorry, I was tired so I was taking a nap", "I needed some time for myself", "I was working on some stuff for my club or homework", or whatever shit I say to get out of the situation. And each time I lie, I see her face slowly just looking disappointed. I had to avert my gaze because I felt so guilty as is. But, I needed distance. She couldn't know I liked her. She mustn't. And so far, I assume she doesn't. She doesn't bother texting me anymore after I stopped starting conversations and updating her on my daily life. She doesn't like my stories anymore. She didn't ask me to drive her somewhere because I became her Uber driver, which is something I will never live down. And even though she's been out of sight and out of mind, I still think about her so much. I scroll through my stories to see if she saw them. Check my texts to see if she texted me first for once, despite me putting her on mute. It's just hard for me to not give a fuck about her.

And, I try to hate her. I see her, sitting with the guy she told me she friendzoned but won't take the hint. She tries so hard to be nice but shows that there's nothing between them. Even when that is supposed to be good for me. See her in an uncomfortable situation. But, it doesn't. It only makes me think about her more. Imagine scenarios where I come in and just divert his attention from her. Be her knight in shining armor. I know that isn't me nor do I think will make my feelings for her go away.

I want to be so angry at her. It breaks my heart so much when I see her. How she soft-launched him on Instagram and made it a highlight. How she never told me anything about. I get that her privacy is her privacy, but I can't help but feel betrayed, especially when I have unresolved feelings. And then, when I think I can restart with her, I see her phone and see her hand and his hand make a heart as her wallpaper. That was it for me. I had to leave. I made another bullshit excuse and ran away. I could not stand to be there and act like I'm ok. I could not. I don't want to look at her. Then again, I just want to somehow run into her casually to see her. All of these conflicting feelings just frustrated the hell out of me. Do I want to see her relationship suffer because I hate her or want to be with her? Do I want him to cheat on her and leave her an emotional wreck for weeks or months? Do I want her to suffer and cry and feel the same heartwrenching pain I feel? I don't know. I love and hate her. But, I only have one choice. Think not about it and move on. Heal and take the time for myself to go grieve my heartbreak. Somehow not always make her a priority in my life. Maybe then, I could learn to live by my lonesome self as I always did. Be able to say, "fuck it, I don't care". Maybe I will one day. But, today, I'm an emotional wreck.