New Name

11. regret full

11. regret full - June 19, 2024 

I think back to the days when I was still better. When naivety meant retaining innocence. I wish I could go back then. Smile in the mirror and not see the broken flaws and cracks. Everything feels so wrought. I cannot even envision what it felt like to love without care. Every conversation is followed by the fear of rejection. Fears that swallow me whole and spit me into a husk.

I would often have these thoughts. I dare not to confront them because I was scared. I didn't want to fall into a spiral of why it became so hard for me to learn to love. I remember late nights when I would be lost in thought. It frightened me to my core. This silence within me drew out the innermost doubts and fears that I hoped to never face. In those moments, I would confide in the they who have seen my struggles. We would not see each other for days. Weeks. Months. We are so preoccupied that we never really keep in touch. But on those nights when we couldn't bear to be alone, we were always with each other. And whenever we'd debrief, it was as if I had just seen them the night before. It was those nights that calmed me. The late-night conversations that truly showed me the real me.

We would talk about each other's love lives. How we have been mistreated. How we may mistreat others. What do we learn from these mistakes and the pain we feel? Why do we feel the way we do? It becomes less of a catch-up and more of a therapeutic session. We become philosophers who vy for the true understanding of selves. What is it that makes us the people we are? We would go on for hours into the night. Some nights, we get too deep. On other nights, we say goodnight with tears welling up.

We become enlightened. We understand our flaws and embrace that change is possible. Manifest that we grow and become the persons we hope to be. See the world and society for what it is but be true to our values and morals. It was only after years of brokenness and a lifetime more of pain and betrayal that I learned this. To live a life of regrets was not an easy life. You are abused. You are manipulated and toyed with. In a world where you can never clearly define love, you are lost like I am. You never know if what you feel is genuine. If that feeling you feel can blossom into something lovely or ruin you. Haunt you for months or years down the road. You walk in a foggy haze. You either live to see another day or fall deeper into what can only be hell that awaits you. You look back constantly to see if you made the right choice and then doubt more and more. Yet, now I look forward with hope. I hope to find my home. Someone that will make it all worthwhile. Learn my lessons and move on. Leave behind this regretful life behind.