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10. peace of mind

10. peace of mind - June 18, 2024 

How freeing it was yet burdensome to let you go. To think that I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you take it so carelessly. I should be thankful at the very least. I have found my peace of mind. A tranquility once lost is now found. Still, I linger in the feeling of betrayal. The way you broke my trust was so similar. It had only been a year since that first time. And now, it has come to find my way again. What unfortunate fortunate fate was cast upon me.

I remember the day you first broke me. I had believed that I could redeem my love. Commit me to the distance and showcase a new me before you. I had dreamt of you the night before that you sat on his lap while you shunned me away. I never believed in the supernatural. Fate and premonitions were nothing folly to me. Pure insanity and delusions. Yet, they proved themselves right as I woke up to the familiar ring of a text. And there on my phone, I wished I could reverse time and go back to when I was alright and ignorant. There were the words that came from you but not you. It was your boyfriend that I was never introduced to. I read those 4 lines over and over and just reflect. Harsh words burned me badly. Then, it was no contact. I'd see your profiles blank or missing. Our last conversations were with a person that didn't exist instead of you. It took me months of self-reflection. It took numerous letters and poems that I poured out my heart to. It took you to break my heart to realize. Realize that I had been so blind for so long.

I was beginning to forget you. I never forgot what you did but forgot you as a person. In my eyes, there was someone inhuman. Cruel and underserving of my forgiveness. But, I paid no mind to it. I needed the silence. And when I thought it was done, at the worst possible moment, you texted me. You break no contact, wishing to apologize for what you did to me. How foolish you were to treat me in such a way. To allow your boyfriend to deface and mock me the way he did. How he purposely shared intimate photos of the both of you publicly for all to see, me especially. At that moment, I hesitated to delete your message. I read it and that was my mistake. I hit a low that night. Even though I was with friends so close to me that they were family, I never had felt such sadness and heartache overcome me. It was as if I went back to the day when we last spoke. I ignore the message and carry on with my day. However, your message nagged and festered at the back of my mind. Like a virus, you grew and grew until I had to respond. For a week, I crafted and thought out my response. I had so much to say to you. But reading your apology and reflection, I thought I saw some humanity regained. So I allowed you to be a part of my life as you wished. Yet, I warned you that I was cautious and untrusting of you. The man you had known had undergone too much pain to be the same man you believed to care about you. We were back to being strangers on our way to go to a place where we could talk and not feel the sting of the past. And it had gone well. We respected each other and our mistakes and were beginning to reconcile. You gave me a present for Christmas and I value it so much. I still kept it hidden away so that it could preserve that perfume you sprayed. Back then, we had gotten closer than I expected. But, we were two lonely people who had feelings for each other in the spirit of winter. I would have lied if I claimed I didn't miss you. I was afraid to like you again so I held back. Still, you assured me that it would be fine. And then, your new boyfriend came along and I saw you smile like you did before. You gave me a heads up and that I appreciated. He treated you right, showed you a lot of love, and protected you. So, we just became friends at a distance.

I continued to update you on pointless and random facts about my day. Most times it would be just a picture of me being silly. You said you always loved watching them. How you said it made you feel like there was someone who cared enough about you that they would share everything with you. I never asked for the same in return. All I asked was honesty, communication, and trust. That was the baseline for me. I guess that was still something you were unable to do. On a sunny day after weeks of rain, I am with friends and I get that familiar ring again. It was surprising, but I assumed it was an update of some sort. And then, that familiar sunken feeling hit me again. The same situation as that morning a year before. It didn't hit me as hard as it would have before. Still, I was shocked. My friends were appalled. I was beginning to be numb to this sort of situation. I grew rather tired of the same old tired fate we were reduced to. So, I grew a pair and did what I promised I do. My trust isn't some simple thing to be handled. I told you what would have happened if I were to be disrespected by you. Even if you were not the one to do it, I took no exception. To let your boyfriend act and treat me in such a way garnered no respect for me. It was clear whose support you would rather have. It seems like mine was to just give you empathy and give you a second chance to learn from your mistakes. To have me support you unconditionally when you felt like the world was against you. So I shall let it be. This is my expiration date. His approval and words mean more than mine. I'll go ahead and do you a favor. Never hear from me again.

I am still furious. I knew the consequences and still risked it because I felt that you at least deserved to atone for all you did. A chance at redemption. Now, it doesn't matter. I'm on my way without you. My peace shouldn't be brought down bc you decided to let the same thing happen again. My peace didn't need you to be a part of it. I know my worth. That is my peace of mind. Something you won't see again.