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23. friends always

23. friends always - September 6, 2024 

I want to hate her so bad. I want to say to her face that I never want to see her. But when I see her and smell her sweet perfume, I can't help but falter and act like my normal self. And every time I act like that, it hurts and hurts because I know the truth. I was not someone she could fawn over. I was simply a friend as always.

I knew it from before. I could see the telltale signs that I was nothing more than a friend. I heard about the countless guys she's friend-zoned. All while I kept my mouth shut about my feelings. I could do nothing but murmur in agreement. And it was just one of many conversations where I was just an outlet to her. But then, she gave moments of hope. I remember talking for a whole hour about what type of love we wanted. How similar our love styles were. It was like a match made in heaven. The way she also loved the friends-to-lovers trope. And that just fueled my desire to love her even more. Gave me pointless hope to continue to pursue her slowly at my own pace. Didn't know that I was moving so slowly that I got outran by some guy.

Then, she would badger me with questions about who I like relentlessly. I tried so hard to be as nonchalant and vague that she didn't figure out it was her. And I had come so close to when she would get so close. She would always talk to me about romance. How she envisions living life with someone and raising a family with someone she could love forever. The way she always encouraged me to ask my crush out with my writing. I hope that she is happy enough that she forgets about me and never reads these because I wouldn't be able to show my face in front of her anymore. The way I had to lie to her every day. I couldn't bear to see how she would look at me if she knew.

So, I never saw her. The times of when I would sit with her are long gone. I sit by my lonesome self, crowding myself with my thoughts. Ignore her texts and calls under the excuse I had personal things or was too busy to come. Lie to her more than I did and try to fade from existence from her. Maybe then, my feelings would lighten and the pain would subside. Even so, I feel my heart drown and sink with the guilt that I left. Left without saying a single word. No explanation. I guess I was a coward to very end. No matter what, we were meant to be friends always.

I still think of the impossible. A future where I laugh with her and everything is right with the world. It's a nice sentiment that I try to hold onto. Imagine as myself the only one for her. But, fantasies are fantasies. It's all fiction. A comfort I couldn't afford to make real.