Addicted To You

19 - Beside U

As we neared the end of the tour, I became more emotional and found myself crying a lot when I was alone. I didn't want them to see how the impending separation was affecting me. I don't like to cry- even though I had probably done more of it in the past couple of months than I had in my whole life-I get angry instead. However, there are times when crying is the proper response. I wished this wasn't one of those times.

I was in my PJs, curled up in the chair of my room, holding Jinki and feeling sorry for myself, when a knock sounded at my door. I didn't want anyone to see me like that, so I announced that I wasn't feeling well. It wasn't a lie. On top of having PMS, I was feeling emotionally ill. And I was still busy denying Changkyun's accusation that I was in love with Minhyuk.

The knocking didn't stop and was then accompanied by a phone call.

"Rileigh-shi, what is wrong? Why won't you come to the door?" Minhyuk asked with concern in his voice.

"I am sorry. I am not having a good night. I just want to go to bed." I wasn't in the mood to see anyone, even though the fact that we would be separated soon was the reason I was crying. I know, it made total sense to me too.

"Noona, please open the door. I am not going to leave," he insisted. I sighed loudly, wiped my face dry with my sweater paws, and shooed Jinki off my lap. She protested, but moved to the other end of the sofa and curled back up.

I shuffled to the door and opened it enough that he could see me through the opening. "Happy?" I asked.

"Only mildly. What is wrong? Are you sick?" He pushed the door open and came inside, letting it shut behind him. He held my face in his hands and inspected me. He wiped the moisture that was leaking from my eye with his thumb. "Noona, have you been crying?"

"Yes, a little. I am just very emotional tonight." He took my hand and led me to the sofa. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap. He pulled my head to his chest and stroked my hair. He didn't speak and didn't ask me to speak either. He just held me.

His tenderness made me lose what little control I had. The tears started and I cried into his shirt. Still, he just held me, rocking me gently, until they subsided. He kissed the top of my head and squeezed his arms tighter around me.

I knew I looked a complete mess, so I excused myself to the bathroom to clean up. I blew my nose and splashed water on my face. My eyes were red and puffy, but there was nothing I could do about that. I returned and sat beside him, nestling myself into the crook of his shoulder. He was still my safe place. And I suspected that he was more than that, but was still in denial.

He put a finger under my chin and lifted my face. He smiled softly and I could see the question in his eyes, asking if I was okay. I gave him a weak smile and decided he deserved an explanation.

"I am just struggling with trying to accept that I won't see you... all of you..." I stumbled and tried to cover myself, "for a long long time, maybe never again. I am not ready to deal with that. I thought I would be able to, but I... I am finding it to be incredibly difficult. I know I have to get over it. I have to let go. But not yet. I am not ready yet." My eyes pleaded with him to stay with me.

We had talked about our mutual attraction and what would be affected by it. We decided it was best to not pursue a physical relationship at this point. It wasn't really what either of us wanted, but we felt it was best. This was one of those times I regretted that decision, but I was thankful he was willing to stay with me anyway.

He pulled my head back to his chest and held me tighter. "I am having that problem too," he whispered. Did he really mean that? I had no choice but to take his words at face value. I wrapped my arms around him and held on like I was never letting go.