Christian Poems

Useless Fighter

Another night, another panic attack. It's so hard when I have nobody to talk to. The pain and negative thoughts are unbearable.

I don't even know what to write, really. I'm just down. I listened to Christian music today and it helped, but copying over my poem from yesterday into my poem book brought memories back.

I feel frustrated with myself. I wish I was fixed. Wish I was normal. Wish I didn't have to struggle with my stupid mind. Wish I had self control. Wish I had boldness to preach the Gospel. I don't have the courage to go up to random people and start talking about things of God, preaching to them. And I hate myself for it.

I know I should speak His word. And when I'm strong in the Lord and joyful, I have the strong feeling to get out there. But now.... Now I'm stuck. I'm low. I'm far.

Whenever I fall from Him, I'm always scared to come back. I don't deserve to. I know those are the basic facts. And I can acknowledge His presence a few times within the past few days. But I'm just dealing with my mind being warped by Satan.

He is feeding me lies. Powerful ones. I felt great joy and comfort when hearing from a friend that God wanted me to know I was a fighter. And to align myself with Him in my identity.

I don't feel like a fighter at all. How could I possibly be considered one? I fail and come short on so much. I don't see myself a fighter. One who has poor self control at times. Who doesn't do anything to build the Kingdom of God. What a useless fighter.

I don't see any way in which I'm building God's Kingdom. How am I doing anything that truly matters in the long run? What have I done that has some sort of importance? I feel like anything small I've done for the Lord doesn't matter. Am I trying to earn something by striving for the bigger things? I know He would find pleasure in anything done in His Name and out of a loving heart. But I don't see how anything I've ever done matters in the eyes of eternity.

I'm not worthy of being part of His army. I'm the weakest link. I'm there, but in the back. The one who walks by herself while others are charging in on the fight. I'm the soldier in God's army who is too busy watching everyone else. Comparing my fight to others. Comparing my self worth by how hard everyone else is fighting. By comparing their greatest accomplishments in the Lord to my useless ones.

What a useless fighter I am. I'm the broken one. The one who always has been on the sidelines. Always the one watching others move ahead. I'm sure the other soldiers think the same about me.

What a useless fighter.
What a joke, hiding in the wings.
What a weak chain I am.

Sure, I have a kind heart. One that loves to hold others up and go out of the way for their sakes. But I don't see that as advancing anything. It's not fighting. I'm maybe sharpening some of the other soldiers, but what good is my fight for the Lord.

He has every right to be disappointed and ashamed of me. Id be embarrassed to look at myself as part of an army.

I'm really nothing more than a useless fighter. I don't see how God could see me as such. I don't wanna go against how He sees me. If that's true. I just don't feel it. I don't see the proof that I am a fighter.

God, since I have no other words to say, please help me. I'm not the fighter Your army should have.