Christian Poems

What I Escape From

I escape from reality, it seems.
When life gets hard, or questions I have don't have simple answers.
These are the times I run away, to ignore them.

I may find solace in that, but it does nothing for me in the long run. Only You can provide that. So, I'm here to face my problems. To finally face those things which I try to escape.

I run away from the problems I have at home. I find comfort in my imagination. Where I can control everything. Where I can create happy and joyful scenarios. In my home, there can be tension now and again.

There are also the problems I don't know how to solve. I feel like my faith is hindered. I would like to move out to help fix it, but if I do, I'd be abandoning my family. They need the support. They can't get by on their own.

And then the problems with money. I feel guilty because I'm not helping anyone with the money I make. I use it all to help pay for rent. I don't take much of it for myself. Always for our rent or food. I feel like even though I am helping in a way, it doesn't count- because it's my own family. If I'm helping them, I'm really helping myself.

I don't have community either. Barely any friends. Let alone Christians who can give me godly advice and be a light to me when im in need.

Advice like, what to do since I'm in-between churches. I know people see that as a red flag in Christianity. I just wish they knew what I was going through. Why my options seem limited.

I wish I had that community. A church to go to. If I did decide to go to one, I know it would be tough to get my whole family going. I feel if I go solo, I'm abandoning them to change myself. If I stay home and try and watch sermons online, I'm risking my own faith by losing community. But I believe that will possibly get them used to it to go in person.

Also, I feel like I'd be judged for not being baptized yet. Three years since I gave my life to You, and I haven't even been baptized. I feel embarrassed to let that slip to other Christians. But I shouldn't. They shouldn't be judgemental in the first place. But they seem to be the loudest. Especially on social media.

But it's not just the embarrassment that bothers me. It's what I should do. Since I don't go to a church, I feel like I have to, in order to be baptized. I would feel wrong being baptized by someone I don't know. Especially if they turn out not to be a true child of God. Id feel as if it wouldn't count.

So I run from having to think about it. About all of these things. From all I wish I knew about living life for You. I run from all the tension and worries I don't want to think about.

But it must stop. It has to. It's destroying me. I need to be disciplined.

I do feel like a change is being made within me. This chain will break. I'll start running to You, for healing, God. You take my burdens because You care for me.

Help me, Lord. Give me the wisdom I need to figure things out.