Christian Poems

Feelings

God, why must I do this again?
Although, I think I know the answer, considering what season I'm in.

Growth.

But it hurts. And it's annoying. Yet captivating and exciting. And I feel passionately. Yet insecure.

I feel so many things because of this thorn.

I already went through the situation of liking someone and the last one ended horribly. And while I can tell this guy is more thirsty for God and genuine in his faith, I don't wanna do this again.

God, it hurts. And maybe it's because I'm exhausted, that I'm getting myself emotional.

This guy is pretty awesome. I talked about it earlier. I notice the way he acts. He is a man of word, that always proves itself with an action. Sometimes his actions take the lead. I admire it. He genuinely cares for others and I see it. He includes others. I can tell he is intently listening to people who talk to him. His eyes are forever a gentle gaze on whomever is speaking. His blue eyes, so softly making eye contact.

This is ridiculous. It really is. I do notice all this about him and wish I could let him know how I see him, but at the same time, I know it might be overbearing. And exposing myself. And opening myself up to hurt, after I pour my heart out. I'm not excited about it.

Should I talk to someone about it? My Bible study leader? A person from fellowship I trust?

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Because I know he could never like me. Not more than friends. I'm not his type. Im overweight and I don't feel especially pretty when looking back at pictures from group hangouts. Not to mention, I'm more than a handful years younger than him.

So why must I deal with this?

I suppose to learn how to balance having feelings for someone and focusing on God. Putting God first. And fixing my motives and intentions to be pure. Which, granted, is a good lesson to learn and most likely what I need. I still wish I wasn't feeling it.

I often notice we don't talk as much as I want. He doesn't hug me as much as he might the others. Granted, they knew him longer. I know all this stuff to feel is way premature.

But tonight we had a good conversation just sitting in his car. I just love when he looks at me, because his eyes are so calming. His face welcoming. Yet, in a group, I'm probably unnoticed.

Today, he didn't make much contact with me after the game. It seems we are better in private than in a group. He has other priorities.

This sucks. But I know the lesson and growth will be worth it. I can already hear God's voice more telling me to go against the flesh when I get ideas. At least He is protecting me and him from more harm than needed for rebuking and learning.

So, I suppose I'll take it. I have to. I expected fire and trials. But maybe I'll ask Him if I should confide in a friend.

I think I need one. After all, we aren't meant to walk alone. It'll keep me accountable. Plus, God gifted me this group for a reason.

So, thank You Lord.

And please, help me

Take away any feelings I have that are more than needed in order for me to make the most out of this season.

Amen.