Unforgettable | Yuzuru Hanyu

32. Explanations

Yuzuru had this habit of always confusing her but it was nothing in comparison to what she was feeling now.

"I wish I could tell you" he had said, making her feel completely lost.

What the hell could she even answer to that? Should she beg him to tell her?

Was he really hiding something?

Maybe it was only then that she finally considered it all, the dreams, the ease in their connection. None of it was normal but it had been fairly ignored until then. She was only now tying the pieces of the puzzle that seemed to be her past life.

"Tell me." she begged in desperation. Kana was completely sick of people hiding things from her. She wanted her past life to be exposed and her memories to come back. Not that it felt possible in any way.

Unless... could these dreams be memories?

She held on to that thought, one that should've been in her head for a long while if she even stopped to think about all the circumstances that always plagued her life. And yet, she said nothing to him then.

"I shouldn't. You said it yourself, your doctors say you should remember by yourself."

"You knew me... before the accident." she suddenly muttered without a single doubt in her mind. In a way, she felt betrayed that he hadn't told her anything about the matter but at the same time, she couldn't even begin to imagine how the whole situation had been for him.

Yuzuru looked away from her, unable to say a single thing in response to her words. As much as he tried hiding away from her, she still saw the tears running down his face.

She could have never expected this conversation to make him so emotional but it just showed how much she didn't know about the past and how many memories seemed to be long lost. 

The doctors always told her that her brain had been damaged because of the accident she had suffered and that there was no way of telling if her memories would ever be retrieved. All Kana knew was that she couldn't remember a single thing about her life before the accident and yet she had such vivid dreams.

They were not nightmares, but the way she felt inside, the way she felt the need to keep her lover by her side, the desperation to always hold him close to her... it all seemed so real, too real to not mean anything. 

She was tired of living her life not knowing the past and yet it was something she couldn't control, so she tried to ignore it as best as she could. She had long given up remembering anything. All that was left to do was try to move on. 

At least, that was how Kana saw it but Yuzuru always seemed to look at things in a completely different perspective. It had always puzzled her, the way he always acted like he had known her for a long while, and yet... it never had crossed her mind that he had.

Why was it so hard for him to tell her? What the hell had happened in their past? There were so many questions that she wanted to ask but she couldn't. All she could do was stare at him and hope he would say something. But he never did.

For long hours, they sat in silence, never exchanging a single word between them. It was all too much for her, the emotions that seemed to be running through her body like water. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream. She wanted answers and yet, she still found no way to even ask the questions that seemed to plague her mind.

"You were... my everything." he finally said, breaking the silence that had been between them after what felt like hours.

Kana looked at him with confusion, still not understanding what the hell he was trying to tell her.

 "What are you trying to say?" she asked, her voice filled with desperation. She was getting frustrated, and she could barely control herself any longer.

She wanted to know the truth.

The truth she had been ignoring for a long time.

"The accident, it was my fault." he said, looking away from her in shame. He could never even begin to imagine how she was feeling and yet he still couldn't help but feel guilty, even if one could debate about his true fault in what had happened.

"What?" Kana asked, her eyes wide with shock. "I don't understand."

She was confused, uncertain about where this conversation would lead, and yet, Kana wanted nothing more than to have answers.

Yuzuru sighed, feeling a bit more at ease that he had finally confessed his feelings. 

"I always felt like it was my fault. If it wasn't for me, you would have never traveled to Canada. You would be safely in Japan like you had been for so many years before what happened."

A sigh of relief left her. Weirdly enough, all the scenarios that she had made up in her mind were far worse than what he ended up admitting to. There was no way she could blame him for the accident.

Piece by piece, she was finding answers to all of the questions that plagued her in the past years and he was the one helping her through it all. Yuzuru had all the answers to the mystery that was her life.

"Baka" she muttered, her eyes completely fixed on the man lying by her side. He looked so vulnerable and yet so goddamn attractive at the same time. Had this been any other situation, she would have probably kissed him senseless.

Yet, this wasn't the time. She needed answers and there was a long conversation overdue.