The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C28 - Hurt

Ross thrusted into me without a care in the world at his movements, especially his hips spreading my legs wider and wider open with each pounding thrust. But I kind of asked for it and I had no intention to complain or whine at the feeling, because while he thought this is real, I just asked, lead him on, for it to get my mind off things. Could it be a worse way? So I could forget about what I was expecting soon... I've been lying to everyone by saying this has to end when it probably won't end. It'll just get worse, and worse. And I'm trying to keep on a brave face. My bravest face but at the end of the day I'm lying to myself.

"Are you ok?" Ross stopped. No.

But I nodded at him yes as I felt I didn't have to be an actress to convince him, confused at how someone like him could stop in the middle of sex... it used to be his only true talent.

When I look at Ross I still see the boy I love and other times I see nothing. And I know that's a bad thing but I can't do anything about it. I don't deserve him. Because he loves the optimistic girl that I once was, I can tell by the way he's looking at me worried. "I'm fine." I told him again, this time making my mouth slide into a smile leaning into him. I slowly arched my lips toward his until they finally met and I could feel his urge to kiss back but it took him awhile to do so. I hurriedly backed up my plead by gripping my hands on his shoulders, clinging on to him as he kissed down my neck. I then giggled like I was happy, and he smiled. But I had no sweet spots at this moment. He didn't know that. Well yeah, I may sound like a sweetheart turned into a psycho overnight but it's the trauma. It makes me feel like I have nothing worth living for. I just keep losing people and it's not going to stop, so I will stop caring. I have nothing else to care for until Ron is dead.

Ross hovered back over me, sliding himself quicker into me as my mouth fell open, only letting small noises come out as this is what I wanted, the pleasure from him. Maybe he'd thrust so hard he'd knock me out and I could forget all my pain, and my scars, and my loss.

I locked my eyes on his, and ran my hand across his face realizing we we're never toxic. It's just that I was always the toxin. Sure, he's screwed up way more than I have. But at the end of the day I'm the worst person to lay in bed beside, or create a family with, because I'm either crying, or wishing I was crying. Better yet, dead.

And I don't even write anymore... I just think. It's getting worse for me, and I've finally admitted it. I've finally felt it for myself. And that I haven't lied to myself about.

Interrogation

Nina and Allie sat on the floor with me as Ross was downstairs in the kitchen, being the one who invited them after we had "sex" and I figured Ross was smarter than I gave him credit for.

"What is up with you, Maia?" Nina asked. "Ross has been telling me you look like you've fell down the stairs five times, and got the life sunken out of you each time after it." She went on as Allie raised her eyebrows. "I thought he said she's been acting crazy..."

"I get it." I interrupted them. I looked at each one of them with a eyebrow raised, remembering from my fucked up memory that these are supposed to be my best friends till death, which for me, would probably be soon.

"Is it Ron?"

"DON'T! Oh my god, stop" I screamed, instantly regretting it. "Don't say his name," I covered my eyes with my hands trying not to cry. But I already felt the tears coming hot as I let out the first cry. "Please..." I was going to say go away but I felt Nina's hand rest on my shoulder, and Allie scotch by my side.